The Adventurer



Ben Kozel, Adventurer

 After my unsuccessful encounters with men on a dating site, one profile tickled my fancy.  It basically said, among other things: “I’m an adventurer, I like a woman who appreciates my cooking”.  I immediately replied something along the lines: “Is your cooking so terrible that women tend to dislike it?” and our mail exchange lasted for 2 months.  Just as me, he was very careful not to disclose too much about himself.  His answers were somehow short and imprecise, but I liked him.

We chatted a couple of times and discovered that we both had a very high sex drive.  He told me we better get our hands off each other when we meet.  We finally met in the mountains for lunch on a Saturday.  The idea, as I had understood it, was to have lunch at the restaurant, then go for a hike with his dogs and for a professional massage. 

We went for a hike with the dogs, beautiful weather, very pleasant talk, he’s a quiet man, who likes to be in charge, slightly chauvinistic, who has been around a lot. We both enjoyed talking about the places we had been.  I could feel the man is like a bear, rough outside, but rather sensitive inside.  It seemed we clicked, or I felt good in his company.

It turned out that the massage session was not planned with professionals…. My misunderstanding.  We did have it, and a little more.  It was getting hot and steamy, but he stopped before it went too far.  Just could not do it.  Then, we opened a bottle of champagne and listened to music.  We started cooking and had a very nice dinner.  Since I had drunk too much to drive, he invited me to stay over.  We sat on the couch talking until it was his time to go to sleep.  I finally shared his bed, we “crossed a few lines” as he said, but nothing too serious.

Next day, on my way home, many questions crossed my mind.  I felt he was still very raw from his recent separation and not at all ready for a relationship.  Where did a lover fit in?  Nowhere, not now.  He must have put his profile on the dating site for reassurance, met a few ladies online, but from what I gathered, I was the only one he met for real.

We exchanged a few more messages.  I told him that I was happy to have met him, that I was going to close my profile.  He replied he would do the same and stop talking to the other ladies, but that he had been thinking too and basically, we both needed to take care of domestic issues before we could think of meeting again.  His job was taking up all his time, for all I know he is somewhere on another continent at the moment and I do not know when/if he will contact me again, but most probably not before September…..

All this waiting and hoping had me rather frustrated one lonely Sunday, I was asking myself if all this was worth the while, suddenly my phone rang, it was a chain message I had sent around in 2009, "you are an angel!"    I was under shock!  No one had sent this message, the phone rang with this message on.  Holly sh*t!  I was crying! And grateful!  So, I am convinced that this is the man...  and I'm turning into bloody Penelope!

P.S. The picture above is not a picture of my Adventurer.

Dating?

My inspiration for writing seems to have gone for the moment.  No time to concentrate on it either.  I do have quite a lot on my plate, taking care of judgmental children, seeking an apartment, paying bills, having nightmares about all the things that need to be fixed in my life, etc.

Thankfully, I have a bunch of online friends, old and new, who make my days brighter. Blooging is such a rewarding experience!  

Recently I put my profile on a dating site.  Am I too picky, or are there only boring men seeking a partner? Are dating sites mostly for people having problems meeting someone in real life? Are they for people looking for easy sex?  I feel so naive, and so reluctant to go through all this trouble.... So, I had a first date with a tiny guy - not really my type - two weeks ago, I was surprised that it went rather well.  "I do not look for an affair, my life is too complicated at the moment, I am looking for friends and see what happens... Do you have your own flat?", that's what he told me and I could not agree more, but why should he ask about my flat? I should have reacted immediately. To summarize, we decided to go to an outdoor music festival, but he ditched me the day before because he had had sex with someone else.  And I happened to bump into him, among the huge crowd, and he acted like an asshole....  Thank god, he was not my style and we only met once.... But this makes me realize that maybe I'm not ready for this...  Life is already too difficult at the moment, and maybe I should just take care of myself, be happy and not look for anyone for the time being...  I feel puzzled... Yet, I wish to meet nice people who could become friends and maybe more... Why is it so difficult?

Now, I started to take Cuban salsa lessons, which is something I'm looking forward to every week.  I am planning my holidays, with my best friend, for July and started visiting apartments.  I have been waiting so long for things to happen and yet maybe I need to work more on myself and then things will move my way, but time is flying by and I have the feeling things are not moving.  

All this sounds pretty negative, but I'm not down, I'm just hoping. That is what the psychologist my son visited told me, when I found out about the manipulative behaviour of my husband, it is becoming a mantra:

DO NOT LET ANYONE DIM YOUR INNER SUN!

It is spring again!

First, I seem to have gained quite a few new followers lately, let me wish you a warm welcome on my blog!  Just one missing to reach a hundred!  Hehe! Such an achievement! Almost unbelievable! And please don't hesitate to leave comments, they are always welcome.

Spring is back and it is wonderful, my favourite season, I think.  Birds are chirping in the morning when I wake up, building nests during the daytime and chirping again when I come home from work. Spring is light yellow in colour, forsythias being the first bushes to blossom, along with  primeroses.  Small violets show their tiny blue faces on the lawn; and magniolia trees slowly turn into cream and pink.  We are switching to summer time tonight.   

It's seemed such a long winter this year, feeling like being in limbo forever!  It's soon time again for me to pack my suitcase as I will be flying to Central America in two weeks!  Looking forward to equatorial heat, happy sigh!  :) 14 days of continuous work, then one week of vacation, hopefully in Costa Rica.  

I hope to be able to listen to some salsa music and maybe visit a club.  I have decided to go back to dance classes this year and learn Cuban style salsa, as well as the sensual bachata.  As one says, a man who can dance, move his hips and body in a sensual way vertically, may well be a very good dancer horizontally as well, right?  I can confirm!

For those of you who have been following my life since a year or so, I have decided to leave.  I will find myself a place on my own and leave hubby and the children, contrary to what I had wished when hubby and I separated.  It seems that for the time being, I'm unable to handle three rebel teenagers and for everybody's sake, the best solution really is for me to take some distance to be able to overcome depression and break negative viscious circles.  I tried to handle my children, but they are so prejudiced against me, that for my own sanity, it is better to let go.  Maybe later things will be easier, maybe we all need to go through a family therapy, but this will have to be done after hubby has had further surgery and recovered.  I have very mixed feelings about his recovery.  I wonder if he has the mental strength and the positive attitude to recover properly. We shall see.

I have also opened a profile on a dating site recently, so far nothing interesting. It looks like men in general are looking for younger women, sometimes indecently younger women, some are really old ugly men, and then younger men are also looking for younger women and wishing to have children. I am speaking of men about 5 to 10 years younger than me. Where do I fit in?

What I came to realise these last few months is that to feel complete, you do not need to be in a relationship - I have had a lover and friend with whom I have shared a lot of great and unique moments, but I had to accept to let him go. You have to feel your are being yourself and be happy with who you are, with your flaws and strengths. The combination of these strenghts and flaws is what makes you unique, and the fact that you are at peace with whom you are, that you accept the very person you are. As long as you keep looking for someone, especially someone to bring you happiness, you won't find it. Happiness is within you, it is a way of life, not an aim in itself. So, I'm trying to be that person that has always existed deep inside, but for some reason, was unable to be herself completely, to blossom and shine. It is never too late, and I hope she will shine this year and more and more so. I know, I may sound very naïve, as if this was something that I have just discovered, whereas it is obvious to most people. I always knew it, but never managed to make it happen.

And I also wish to all of you that you find this wonderful person within yourselves.

You start dying

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You start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself.

You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.

You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths...
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours
Or you do not speak to those you don't know.

You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.

You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice..."

Pablo Neruda

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

Life is taking a turn.  We told the children about our decision to divorce. Contrary to what my husband was expecting, there was no drama.  The children were relieved.  The atmosphere became breathable again.  I took a whole week away from home (see my latest HNT). I had the pleasure to meet each of my children for lunch and get their feedback and thoughts.  It looks like their dear father is not that ideal after all, which in some way comforts me.  I'm not the only bad guy in the story. 


During that time alone, I allowed myself some reflection and I came to the conclusion that I was doing the best thing for everyone, including my husband.  Yet, when I came home to discover the house had undergone a post-nuclear war treatment and that he had moved to the basement, I could not prevent tears from welling up.  Over 20 years of common life, sharing the same bed, waking up in each other's arms or at least cuddling or just being there.  The very bed where all three children have been conceived. Now it is over,  like something is missing...  This is what I wanted, this is what I was thriving for, what I have inflicted on my husband, it is brutal even if I was longing for it.  I can see the pain in his eyes, he feels so helpless...

 I believe that what we get out of life is what we’ve set ourselves up to get, so there’s no such thing as an inconsequential decision. Our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we’ve made along the way, which is why it’s imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. Don’t let anyone else’s noise drown it out.– Megan McCafferty

Don’t let the mistakes and disappointments of the past control and direct your future. – Zig Ziglar

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all. – Rita Mae Brown

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.– C.S. Lewis

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it– ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing. -Ayn Rand

Maybe it is time for me to go on a dating site?

Spring

It is Spring again, birds are singing and building nests, trees and plants are blossoming, bees are buzzing, and I am constantly aroused.  I want sex, raw sex.  I am horny as hell, I have these images in my mind, of passionate lovemaking and I am going crazy, craving sex.  I feel like a horny bitch or a predator, a couguar.

Yet, I am behaving or almost.  Five weeks without sex.  Yet since my return we have not had that much sex or if we had, it was...  so so.  Poor hubby! I feel so unfair to him. He has offered  me an 8" dildoe.  I have always dreamt of a big dick, but this one almost hurt. I guess I have to get used to it.  So why are we back to before Christmas?  I cannot explain.  I guess we are not on the same wavelength anymore, more blatantly than ever.  We had expectations, but different ones it seems.  Both feeling disappointed by one another.  Is this the sign that we definitely need to take action and reach a decision? 

There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There’s a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying to fix things, but it’s not giving up, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts.

It is certainly time for me to reach such a decision; and I already have done something in that direction.  I have "misbehaved", I had my first camsex and it was amazing!  Is that cheating?  It probably is, but I did not feel like it.  He made me feel beautiful and wonderful.  He was totally in control and I loved it.  I have read somewhere that strong women need to feel dominated sometimes. They need to let go and let someone else be in control.  It is not that I call myself a strong women, but I am the one in charge, so what a wonderful feeling it was just to let someone tell me what to do, in a very gentle but firm way.  And I want more.

My social life and my self-esteem are next to zero, yet on two occasions, I went to a restaurant, and both times, men came to me and told me how terrific I looked. I felt like a queen and am grateful.  So, now I want to feel on top of the world.  And I want more.

Hubby had found a job (the first in 4 years), unfortunately, after three months, he was jobless again, due to a decision further up in the hierarchy, nothing to do with his performance.  So, we are in a dead-end street again, no projects, no alternative other than networking and hoping he gets another opportunity. We had both decided to wait until he had put some money aside for him to be able to move out, and eventually filing for a divorce.  Now we are both bitter, he feels like a total looser, and I end up thinking he is one.  What is the solution?  Will he end up in depression or will he try by all means to find any job?  Is he a strong person or a complete looser?  Am I selfish if I don't care anymore, and decide to fend for myself and try to be happy and start a new life for what is left of it?  I want more!  I want to get my sexy back. I wish to get loved properly again. I wish to be able to share my passions with someone who cares.  I wish to go lighthearted ahead and achieve things that I always wanted to achieve.  I just want to live.  And this is what I'm going to do even if it means I shall be naughty.

I know I sound very upset and unfair to hubby, but I can't see the end of the tunnel, yet I have a choice, but the children workship their father so much, I am the bad guy in this story or so it seems to me.  What do you think?  Should I go ahead and take whatever comes my way and just cut loose?  Or should I give hubby another chance and see if he manages to find himself a job (I have been waiting for 4 years now).  We spoke about divorce last August, which was almost a year ago.  I have been extremely patient since, but now I am on the verge of breaking down. 

My best friend called me this morning.  She just broke up with her boyfriend, after a 10 year relationship. Within two weeks, he met someone else on a dating website.  She feels great.  She proposed me to go out and have fun, take dance lessons and spend some nice time together.  Actually, this is exactly what I need.  So, this is what I'm going to do in the coming weeks.  Hubby will not like it, but better have a wifey who has fun and is in good spirits than a nasty, bitter, frustrated bitch at home.  Let's see what happens...

.

Emergency VIP Treatment

If you read the international news, you may know that the Red Shirts have been trying to get the former exiled Prime Minister of Thailand, expelled from the Government on charges of corruption, back since 2008. Every week-end, demonstrations are organised, and this week-end, some 60,000 people invaded the commercial and tourist centre of the city, stopping all traffic. The police have blocked the area to avoid accidents, and the demonstrators have been singing and talking since early this Saturday morning. All major shopping centres have been closed. Tourists are advised not to leave their hotels.


We were working in the Conference Centre within a huge shopping mall for 14 days, crossing the road every day from our hotel opposite the Conference Centre to get to work. At noon, today, the organisers of the conference evacuated us from our hotel by bus, getting out through the backside door and driving us around the area for 20 minutes to be transferred to the 5 star hotel above the Conference Centre, just opposite from where we stayed. Our rooms are paid by the organisers. I am located on the 36th floor with a superb view on the tennis court and the swimming pool on the 12th floor terrace, the surrounding buildings and a temple. The mass of demonstrators is impressive, they look like ants from my window, and the square is dark with thousands of people dressed in red. After dinner at the very chic restaurant, we went for a drink to the 55th floor, which is the top of the tower with a breathtaking 360 degrees view of Bangkok. The wind was blowing, it was cool, and I am convinced the building was “moving”. I could not help but feel dizzy. I am from a small European city with no high-rise buildings, the highest tower must have maximum 12 floors. This was a treat, my pictures are unfortunately blurred because I did not have a tripod for long exposures. I still have butterflies in my stomach and my hair looks like I had some electric shocks from putting my fingers in the plug! It is late, we will be driven early tomorrow morning to the airport. I hope we will manage to get there in time. Most of my colleagues are flying back home, some of us are going on holidays in Cambodia or Vietnam.

HNT

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Will you follow me.......  to the moon?

What if?

In less than three weeks, I'll be travelling again, guess where?  This picture should give you a hint. 


I will get some time away from home, which is greatly needed.


Last night, I was in bed early with a runny clown's nose and pumpkin head, reading some blogs (I've become completely addicted), when hubby came and told me he had some medicine for my cold.  Delicious medicine!


What if I lick you down there while you suck me down here?  Oh, heaven!  What if I put my fingers in here, moving them in a circle, while my thumb rubs that little bud of yours?  Oh, oh, don't stop!  What if I push that little spot still circling my fingers?  Oh, oh, oh!!!  Oh my God!..........   pant! pant! pant!  How did you do this?  This was just incredible! The bed is soaked.  What if I gave you this medicine for your sore throat?  Hum!  hummmmmpf!  Hmmmm! Hmmmmpff!  Barely breathing with my stuffed-up nose...  Jaw slightly hurting, neck bent in an uncomfortable angle.  Ah!  Breathing again!  Ooops sticky stuff on my breasts, chin, nose and eye! He he he!  Wish someone would take a picture! 

= ∞ =

What if we put up an ad to find a man for a threesome?  HUH?!?  WHAT?!? We had discussed our fantasies at some point, along with having sex in awkward places, watching porn while having sex, etc.

Me (thinking) hm!  Someone with a nice, big cock..

Hubby: he would need to be elegant!

Me (thinking)... yes, hairless chest, butt and shoulders...

Hubby: able to sustain a conversation!

Me: Huh?  you mean you will speak politics and sports while you f**k me?

Hubby: no, before, when we meet him.  He would need to be younger.

Me (thinking)... nice chiselled torso, tight ass, cute smile...

Hubby: and I would not want a fucker!

Me: So, what do you want him for?

Hubby: no, I could not stand a vulgar idiot just wanting to f**k you for the sake of it!  I still don't even know if I could bear the sight of another man having sex with you.

Me ... well, maybe when he sees us he will run away... after seeing my wobbly stomach (after three pregnancies), my sagging breasts after their long lost battle against gravity, or my "flatbed"?

Hubby: so, when do we put up an add?

Me (suddenly waking up from my daydreaming) Oh no!   Can we please talk it over again, there is a difference between fantasies and reality.  Let me just digest this, I'm still under shock!   I need to think it over.

This is where I realised that, although things seem to be going in the right direction for hubby, they may not for me.  I started panicking, wait, wait, wait. This is going too fast!  I need a break away from home and that is exactly what I'm going to have in a few weeks' time. 

Understand me, before Christmas, we were still having arguments, nasty, snappy remarks for each other, and I badly wanted to divorce after we had tried to make things change for ten years. At Christmas, we decided on a truce and, like bonobos, I initiated the "make love not war" behaviour.  Now, things seem to develop in a lighter tone, but I still want to divorce, for many reasons, but basically because it is too late now for me to try and save our marriage.  But hubby seems to think differently.  How can I explain without hurting him more?  Can we not just divorce and be buddies?  We know couples who have divorced and are having affairs with their ex.  Have I done it all wrong? 

May this break help me find the right words, attitude and state of mind to explain calmly what I wish for the two of us in the future.  It need not be painful.

One year later

Exactly one year ago, on Valentine’s day, I took the decision to divorce. I was angry, depressed, but determined. Almost paralyzed by a serious lumbago, stuck in bed for a week reading was my only occupation. My daughter had been offered the complete series of Twilight books for her birthday, being in a period of self-pitying, I left myself sink into the drama and came to realize that maybe I would never again be able to experience such intense feelings, which made me utterly depressed. Where had the love gone after such a long marriage? Was my life going to continue like this, in a routine from which feelings of love and belonging had disappeared, where we only stayed together because of the children? With a non existent sex life? With endless frustration and frequent arguments? I was slowly dying.

I took the decision to change things in a way that would make me take a different direction. Once my back stopped killing me, I started exercising again and watched my diet. In less than three months, the scale indicated a drastic weight loss and I slowly regained some self-confidence, feeling a lot sexier. Fortunately, in late March I was sent to Africa, where I worked for two full weeks, followed by another two weeks of holiday. At this point in my life, these are the only moments when I am really happy and completely myself.

My trip was wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to meet a friend I had not seen in three years and it was great. I felt appreciated and easygoing. What a booster for my ego.

When I came back, my husband must have felt a change, we made love for the first time in over two years. My friend kept writing to me and our messages became more and more intense. I was addicted to his mails, we also texted. I felt happy for the first time in years and more determined than ever to divorce. I went for some legal counseling. Things were not going to be simple, moneywise especially. I informed my husband of my intention to divorce. I took him completely by surprise, he felt hurt. However, the situation deteriorated again because of the fact that my husband had been jobless for well over three years - with no unemployment benefit whatsoever - and because of our financial situation. The result was that as long as my husband was dependent on me, and being absolutely worshipped by the children, I could not ask him to leave. This was in August.

I was sent to Africa again in September, very intense work; while there, took some time off again, wonderful! However, things deteriorated even more when I came back, moneywise. My friend stopped writing to me. His wife had read one of my texts and gave him hell. Depression caught up on me, that was when I started wondering about blogging. My husband had finally accepted the idea of divorcing, but with Christmas nearing, we decided to go on a truce. The three weeks I stayed at home were almost dreamlike - steaming sex, no arguments, more sex - and he found himself a job at the start of the new year, a short-term with the hope of signing a contract next June. Moneywise, things are still very difficult. We are completely broke.

Now, one year later, I feel we have become friends again, if not completely husband and wife - the love is definitely gone for me. We are still not divorced. He does not communicate much, but I have the feeling he is hoping that with a new job things will ease up, and we will stay together. We are like best friends in our good moments, we have brought up three wonderful children, but we have been hurting each other, the children have not seen me happy in a very long time. At worst, they cannot remember their mom as a happy person, what image do they have of me?

I am fed up with the waiting. I would like my life to move on. I can only hope that we will behave like responsible adults, stay friends and manage amicably.

I am determined to make it happen.