It is spring again!

First, I seem to have gained quite a few new followers lately, let me wish you a warm welcome on my blog!  Just one missing to reach a hundred!  Hehe! Such an achievement! Almost unbelievable! And please don't hesitate to leave comments, they are always welcome.

Spring is back and it is wonderful, my favourite season, I think.  Birds are chirping in the morning when I wake up, building nests during the daytime and chirping again when I come home from work. Spring is light yellow in colour, forsythias being the first bushes to blossom, along with  primeroses.  Small violets show their tiny blue faces on the lawn; and magniolia trees slowly turn into cream and pink.  We are switching to summer time tonight.   

It's seemed such a long winter this year, feeling like being in limbo forever!  It's soon time again for me to pack my suitcase as I will be flying to Central America in two weeks!  Looking forward to equatorial heat, happy sigh!  :) 14 days of continuous work, then one week of vacation, hopefully in Costa Rica.  

I hope to be able to listen to some salsa music and maybe visit a club.  I have decided to go back to dance classes this year and learn Cuban style salsa, as well as the sensual bachata.  As one says, a man who can dance, move his hips and body in a sensual way vertically, may well be a very good dancer horizontally as well, right?  I can confirm!

For those of you who have been following my life since a year or so, I have decided to leave.  I will find myself a place on my own and leave hubby and the children, contrary to what I had wished when hubby and I separated.  It seems that for the time being, I'm unable to handle three rebel teenagers and for everybody's sake, the best solution really is for me to take some distance to be able to overcome depression and break negative viscious circles.  I tried to handle my children, but they are so prejudiced against me, that for my own sanity, it is better to let go.  Maybe later things will be easier, maybe we all need to go through a family therapy, but this will have to be done after hubby has had further surgery and recovered.  I have very mixed feelings about his recovery.  I wonder if he has the mental strength and the positive attitude to recover properly. We shall see.

I have also opened a profile on a dating site recently, so far nothing interesting. It looks like men in general are looking for younger women, sometimes indecently younger women, some are really old ugly men, and then younger men are also looking for younger women and wishing to have children. I am speaking of men about 5 to 10 years younger than me. Where do I fit in?

What I came to realise these last few months is that to feel complete, you do not need to be in a relationship - I have had a lover and friend with whom I have shared a lot of great and unique moments, but I had to accept to let him go. You have to feel your are being yourself and be happy with who you are, with your flaws and strengths. The combination of these strenghts and flaws is what makes you unique, and the fact that you are at peace with whom you are, that you accept the very person you are. As long as you keep looking for someone, especially someone to bring you happiness, you won't find it. Happiness is within you, it is a way of life, not an aim in itself. So, I'm trying to be that person that has always existed deep inside, but for some reason, was unable to be herself completely, to blossom and shine. It is never too late, and I hope she will shine this year and more and more so. I know, I may sound very naïve, as if this was something that I have just discovered, whereas it is obvious to most people. I always knew it, but never managed to make it happen.

And I also wish to all of you that you find this wonderful person within yourselves.

Being a woman

When I went to primary school in the suburbs of a north-eastern French city, my grand-mother would sometimes pick me up and, on our way home, we would stop at the cobbler's. The shop was old-fashioned, a little bit like in a Norman Rockwell illustration, or rather a Robert Doisneau picture, with piles of shoes and a strong odour of glue.

I liked going there, because the cobblers' wife, or so I assumed, was a brunette in her 30's, with tight clothes revealing large, nice breasts, enhanced by a bra that would make them look like bombshells under a pearl necklace. She had a thin waist, always wore tulip shaped skirts, seemed stockings, stiletto shoes, and very red nail polish and lipstick. The quintessence of feminity.

Edward D'Ancona pin-up

I was between 6 and 10, still very innocent, but I sensed that she was a very pretty woman, a sexy woman, although I did not know much about sex. The heady smell of glue mingled with the sight of her used to make me dizzy in a strange way. Above all, I loved her breasts, I liked the contrast between her thin waist and her large breasts, I remember staring at her breasts and thinking "when I grow old, I want the same". I had a confused idea that men liked breasts and therefore, as a woman I wanted to have nice breasts so that men would look at me, and touch my breasts! Yes, at that age, I came to this conclusion!

She was the only woman who made me feel this way, I don't know why, obviously she had a lot of sex appeal. She is the woman who made me think about me being a girl, about the power of a woman's body.  It made me feel  proud to be a woman, because I would be attractive and I would bear children, which in my mind was a wonderful gift, even if I would have to suffer from menstruating, birth giving, breastfeeding, and all that goes with womanhood. So, I never complained about being a woman, I am proud to be a woman. I had many lovers, I am proud of my body, it still makes heads turn, it gave me three beautiful children, it gives me a lot of pleasure. It gives us a lot of power.

Women are just so beautuful!

It's my birthday today

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A Sagittarius born on December 19 walks an emotional tightrope but is fearless. True, my family and friends tell me I'm crazy to drive alone in dangerous parts of African countries, or to touch tigers, or do walking safaris in the bush.


They often seem to be the strong, silent type. Also true, I'm rather shy, but seem to be strong.


They need to make a contribution to society through their work or ideals. Yes, I want to go to Africa one day and work for the "innocents" - children or endangered species, or both.


December 19 people make friends effortlessly. Not sure


They can transform a frivolous relationship into a meaningful friendship. Sometimes true.


They have something of a reputation for being great lovers. You'll have to ask my lovers, hehehe!


They enjoy playing the field before settling down and usually gravitate toward glamorous types, though they may be somewhat plain. Quite right, but with some nuance.


People born on this date could hardly be more different in their role as parents than their parents were. They're inclined to give their children far greater freedom than they were allowed, though their academic expectations are likely to be higher. Yes, definitely!


People born on this date are in tune with the rhythms of their body, so they often subscribe to homeopathic or holistic treatments. They can benefit from deep massage, reiki, or rolfing techniques, which provide psychological and emotional benefits in addition to physical therapy. Oh, yes, give me that massage please! I'm a whore for massage, but am a good at giving massage as well!


People born on this date are not particularly goal-conscious but are happiest when they have opportunities to use their professional status to affect change. They like to be noticed for their singularity of purpose. Singularity of purpose?  Yes!

Hierophant

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Life is happening

Kassandra - The Smell of Autumn

The wheel is turning, life is happening. It seems so much has happened lately and is about to happen soon, that.... I'm completely exhausted but getting happier by the day!

First of all, I seem to have new followers. I am surprised that people actually read me LOL! Even if I have not posted anything recently. Welcome to my little world, my new followers. I'm smiling!

Then, my husband is moving out this week-end. We are separated! It is becoming official... What do I feel? Actually, I'm not exhilarated, I'm not sad, I have been waiting for this for such a long time, that I actually don't feel anything. I guess I haven't realized yet, it has to sink in. The backlash is that there is a certain number of issues that need to be discussed with the children as I am the "monster" and I seemingly have to pay for it. We shall see how things work out. It is not going to be easy.

In the meantime, I have not had much rest because of 14 days of on-going work, followed by a week-end spent in Italy with my art class in Milan and Pavia. I need to sleep!

If you read my last post, things have evolved too. I spent a few hours overseas to meet in person someone very special I met online. As I said, it was a very special and intense hug, but things seemed too complicated at first, yet after some in-depth discussion, they should work out very nicely. I don't want to say too much now, but we have plans to meet again. I hope to be able to post about our first few hours together soon. It made me so happy! The distance and our personal circumstances, as I mentioned in my last post, do not make it easy, but we crave each other's company so much that we want to meet again soon! Oh, I'm sooo looking forward to that much needed warm, affectionate, tender hug, my dear! And sharing masses of TLC, I can't wait!

So, life is happening at last, I'm taking one thing at a time and appreciate all the positive vibes that are coming my way, thanks to a few friends I have close by, but also to some lovely people I met online across the world, you know who you are, especially you, my Fairy!

Dirty Old Man

Our landlord is 70 year old.  Upon our arrival, we were invited for a drink and introduced to his family.

His wife and family have since been away for the week. Every day, he finds an excuse for ringing at the door. He likes to give me a cucumber or a zucchini - you should have seen the children's disgust! No need to have studied Freud to understand what he means, or do we have dirty minds when we wonder why a cucumber or a zucchini, or even an unripe plum!!!.

He has a bad breath, strange toes, is half bald and wears glasses, he is 70 after all. One day, he rang three times. “If you want to have a drink, I’m there, I’m waiting…” I did it once, at the beginning, he took every opportunity to touch my bare skin.  Since then, I’m always elusive or tell him we won’t be around. Doesn’t he get my message? Is it only hospitality, or is he a dirty old man?

Lately, we had an invasion of ants in the kitchen, he came by to check. He touched my arm and said he would take care of it, spray a little here and there… I cringed in horror and disengaged myself from his grip.

He has invited himself twice, cooking fish and bringing this very strong alcohol made with either rose petals, or orange rinds, mint leaves or carob seeds, or plumbs (slivoviz). The children made faces in his back, did silly comments when he was not listening, I had to make efforts not to laugh while listening to him. He has told us the same story three times already, so I think he is a little senile, but he always manages to touch me, my arm, my shoulder, my back. I mentioned my husband, he quivered. “Are you married? Yes, I am!” Ten minutes later, he was gone. The children asked with a grin “what would you have done if he tried to kiss you with his bad breath?” Well, I would never have let it go so far, and I prefer to believe it was just pure hospitality *ahem!*.  After that, I went for a strong cocktail!

On a more positive note, the view from our balcony.

Highway Blues

We had been on our way for about 1 1/2 hour when the air conditioning broke down and hot air was blowing in the already warm car. Three teenagers and myself, listening to AC/DC, Offspring, Muse, Red Hot Chilly Peppers, merely enacting a scene from Wayne’s World  (don't you just love me with long blond hair and black glasses?), in a mobile oven. At this point, we had to open the windows to be able to breathe, the hot air blowing our hair straight back. What a family of loonies!

Glacier above the Mont-Blanc tunnel

After coming out of the Mont-Blanc tunnel, the GPS was “calculating…. calculating…. calculating”. Ha!, obviously, it got lost! Once we were stuck in a miles long traffic jam on the highway in Italy, it told us to “turn left!”  “turn left… calculating… TURN RIGHT!!!” Turn right? And drive into the wall? Are you kidding? “TURN RIGHT!!! TURN LEFT… TURN AROUND!!! MAKE A U-TURN!!!! Calculating! calculating… calculating…. TURN AROUND!!!” WTF!!!, I took the stupid device and threw it in the back of the car, if this damn thing cannot even tell us to go straight, it is bloody useless!!!!

If this were not enough, as we reached the Milano - Venice area, the beautiful sky that I kept comparing to those of a Canaletto or a Tintoretto painting erupted into the hugest storm we had experienced in a long time, to the point where we had to stop under a bridge to avoid hailstones the size of quail eggs.

Some "strange" adds along the highway

Shortly, it took us 21 hours to reach our destination, a village on the Croatian seaside. By mid afternoon, we were on the pebble beach, and in the……. OH.MY.GOD! F****G ICE COLD water!!!  (Please, excuse my French!)  My pussy was deep frozen in less than two minutes! The heat was definitely turned off for two weeks! :(       LOL!

A Summer afternoon...

Don't you just love a summery Sunday afternoon?  This one has been by far the most perfect one in a while - lying in a hammock, with an easy read about vampires, sex and suspense, True Blood, basking in the sun, gazing at the fluffy white clouds slowly passing by in the sky, while birds endlessly sing in the bush, bees hum in the roses and dahlias and colorful butterflies flutter by.  Wearing a bikini, feeling slightly aroused... hhhmmmm sex is the only missing thing.  Answering a couple of intriguing mails.  Smiling. Feeling more aroused.... The hammock is gently swinging in the breeze...  Feeling like needing some exploration down there...., but the children are not far.... Hubby tells you he is going to get you a dark veil because the view of you in a bikini is too much for him to bear.... Oh enacting an Isadora Duncan veil dance, quite tempting, doing some oriental danse in the garden, but that would be cruel, wouldn't it?

Satoshi Saikusa

It's an almost perfect afternoon....!

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

Life is taking a turn.  We told the children about our decision to divorce. Contrary to what my husband was expecting, there was no drama.  The children were relieved.  The atmosphere became breathable again.  I took a whole week away from home (see my latest HNT). I had the pleasure to meet each of my children for lunch and get their feedback and thoughts.  It looks like their dear father is not that ideal after all, which in some way comforts me.  I'm not the only bad guy in the story. 


During that time alone, I allowed myself some reflection and I came to the conclusion that I was doing the best thing for everyone, including my husband.  Yet, when I came home to discover the house had undergone a post-nuclear war treatment and that he had moved to the basement, I could not prevent tears from welling up.  Over 20 years of common life, sharing the same bed, waking up in each other's arms or at least cuddling or just being there.  The very bed where all three children have been conceived. Now it is over,  like something is missing...  This is what I wanted, this is what I was thriving for, what I have inflicted on my husband, it is brutal even if I was longing for it.  I can see the pain in his eyes, he feels so helpless...

 I believe that what we get out of life is what we’ve set ourselves up to get, so there’s no such thing as an inconsequential decision. Our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we’ve made along the way, which is why it’s imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. Don’t let anyone else’s noise drown it out.– Megan McCafferty

Don’t let the mistakes and disappointments of the past control and direct your future. – Zig Ziglar

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all. – Rita Mae Brown

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.– C.S. Lewis

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it– ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing. -Ayn Rand

Maybe it is time for me to go on a dating site?

My body is a cage... Mon corps est une cage (click)

After having been away for a week, my husband woke me up softly yesterday, his hand exploring my thighs, caressing my tightly closed lips, it took me a while to emerge and realise what was happening.  His finger slid in me, getting my lips wet and my hips rolling.  After a while, his three fingers were rubbing my velvety spots and I could not resist touching my clit and my nipples, the combination of the three were just driving me over the edge.  He put his hand on my mouth.  "Sssshhh, be quiet, the children are getting up".  I was trying to hold my breath, but I was already out of control. His fingers made me gush and endless orgasmic waves washed over me for an incredible long time. He then put me on all fours and reclaimed my body back, I had to bite the sheets for fear of uttering squeals of pleasure. The bed was such a mess, sheets soaked and I was longing for a nice long nap, instead of which, I stumbled to the bathroom in a zombie state, getting ready for work.  

Boredom has affected my ability to write, lately, words just won't flow, frustration gnaws at me, so maybe I will post new pictures of my travels for a while .  As I wrote some time ago, I'm in that horny mood that makes me do things I'm not supposed to do, like reading sex blogs at work, chatting and answering IMs, spending endless hours on tumblr, fantasizing and feeling wet all the time.  I can feel the tickling deep inside me, the nagging of my desire, the want for getting filled, stretched, and wildly possesed.  To such an extend that everyday, I need to hide and take care of myself in the restroom,  the very place where I took my last HNT picture after a good O.  Our restroom is a discreet place for dirty deeds.  My imagination is set on fire, especially after some hot camming the night before, good sex in the morning and discovering hot stories reflecting my adventures on someone's blog *wink*.  I crave a hard big cock, I crave someone to tell me naughty things. As for being naughty, someone is already playing with me and receiving pictures taken in the restroom at work (thank you for making me a naughty girl, sweetie!) *smirk!*  I have already posted one, by the way.

Things I'd like to change...

You saw my latest post about having a bad day, well actually, it is like several bad days, and I was planning to do some very nice things, here.  I did nothing, but stay in bed with a kidney infection, taking antibiotics, and crying, crying and more crying.  A real anxiety attack!  Since my husband now admitted he is in depression and should go on a therapy, it seems the strong me has started to crumble.  I felt completely empty with no taste for anything but sleep. And slept, comatose sleep, feeling even more empty.  Now, in my self pitty, I read some blogs, which made me feel even more useless.  Saw some really gorgeous bloggers and thought, I should stop blooging out of disgust for being so unglorious!

Feeling like a freak

(Erik Keller - Wundertkammer006)

   

 

I would like to fly
(tumbler)


 

The body I would like to have, but which one?
(tumbler)

The butt I would like to have (tumbler)

How sexy I would like to be (tumbler)

The complicity I would like to have with my partner (tumbler)

One of the moments I would like to share with someone (tumbler)

Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl who believed in fairytales (tumbler)

But than I read the side-effects of the antibiotics....

"I feel like Ive been living in a consistent state of suspension. Like I’m just hovering between things, nothing grounding me, nothing pulling me in any direction. Just floating from one day to the next with no structure to help distinguish days. Sometimes this feeling is exciting and freeing, other times, this feeling makes me feel lonely and lost." (tumbler)

....and what do I read:  depression!!!  WTF!!!  No wonder!  I'm not that sort of girl! Damn! Will go back to the doctor's and complain!

So, tomorrow, back to work.

Spring

It is Spring again, birds are singing and building nests, trees and plants are blossoming, bees are buzzing, and I am constantly aroused.  I want sex, raw sex.  I am horny as hell, I have these images in my mind, of passionate lovemaking and I am going crazy, craving sex.  I feel like a horny bitch or a predator, a couguar.

Yet, I am behaving or almost.  Five weeks without sex.  Yet since my return we have not had that much sex or if we had, it was...  so so.  Poor hubby! I feel so unfair to him. He has offered  me an 8" dildoe.  I have always dreamt of a big dick, but this one almost hurt. I guess I have to get used to it.  So why are we back to before Christmas?  I cannot explain.  I guess we are not on the same wavelength anymore, more blatantly than ever.  We had expectations, but different ones it seems.  Both feeling disappointed by one another.  Is this the sign that we definitely need to take action and reach a decision? 

There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There’s a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying to fix things, but it’s not giving up, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts.

It is certainly time for me to reach such a decision; and I already have done something in that direction.  I have "misbehaved", I had my first camsex and it was amazing!  Is that cheating?  It probably is, but I did not feel like it.  He made me feel beautiful and wonderful.  He was totally in control and I loved it.  I have read somewhere that strong women need to feel dominated sometimes. They need to let go and let someone else be in control.  It is not that I call myself a strong women, but I am the one in charge, so what a wonderful feeling it was just to let someone tell me what to do, in a very gentle but firm way.  And I want more.

My social life and my self-esteem are next to zero, yet on two occasions, I went to a restaurant, and both times, men came to me and told me how terrific I looked. I felt like a queen and am grateful.  So, now I want to feel on top of the world.  And I want more.

Hubby had found a job (the first in 4 years), unfortunately, after three months, he was jobless again, due to a decision further up in the hierarchy, nothing to do with his performance.  So, we are in a dead-end street again, no projects, no alternative other than networking and hoping he gets another opportunity. We had both decided to wait until he had put some money aside for him to be able to move out, and eventually filing for a divorce.  Now we are both bitter, he feels like a total looser, and I end up thinking he is one.  What is the solution?  Will he end up in depression or will he try by all means to find any job?  Is he a strong person or a complete looser?  Am I selfish if I don't care anymore, and decide to fend for myself and try to be happy and start a new life for what is left of it?  I want more!  I want to get my sexy back. I wish to get loved properly again. I wish to be able to share my passions with someone who cares.  I wish to go lighthearted ahead and achieve things that I always wanted to achieve.  I just want to live.  And this is what I'm going to do even if it means I shall be naughty.

I know I sound very upset and unfair to hubby, but I can't see the end of the tunnel, yet I have a choice, but the children workship their father so much, I am the bad guy in this story or so it seems to me.  What do you think?  Should I go ahead and take whatever comes my way and just cut loose?  Or should I give hubby another chance and see if he manages to find himself a job (I have been waiting for 4 years now).  We spoke about divorce last August, which was almost a year ago.  I have been extremely patient since, but now I am on the verge of breaking down. 

My best friend called me this morning.  She just broke up with her boyfriend, after a 10 year relationship. Within two weeks, he met someone else on a dating website.  She feels great.  She proposed me to go out and have fun, take dance lessons and spend some nice time together.  Actually, this is exactly what I need.  So, this is what I'm going to do in the coming weeks.  Hubby will not like it, but better have a wifey who has fun and is in good spirits than a nasty, bitter, frustrated bitch at home.  Let's see what happens...

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