Aaaagghhh ! Won't you behave! I NEED HELP!!!

I don't know if there are other people out there in the blogosphere who are having the same problems as me, but I have to fix my slideshow daily and my click-throughs have become a nightmare -: what happens is that the famous HTML code that most bloggers use gets fragmented and mixed up when I stick it in the HTML part of the posting. Some followers have reported that they cannot access my HNTs and get an error message on the lower left corner of the bottom bar, I don't understand why it is doing that. I left a question on Blogger.com help, but have not received any reply. nor managed to find any answer to the problem. I'm puzzled and frustrated. In need of an angel to help me!

PLEASE!!!

My body is a cage... Mon corps est une cage (click)

After having been away for a week, my husband woke me up softly yesterday, his hand exploring my thighs, caressing my tightly closed lips, it took me a while to emerge and realise what was happening.  His finger slid in me, getting my lips wet and my hips rolling.  After a while, his three fingers were rubbing my velvety spots and I could not resist touching my clit and my nipples, the combination of the three were just driving me over the edge.  He put his hand on my mouth.  "Sssshhh, be quiet, the children are getting up".  I was trying to hold my breath, but I was already out of control. His fingers made me gush and endless orgasmic waves washed over me for an incredible long time. He then put me on all fours and reclaimed my body back, I had to bite the sheets for fear of uttering squeals of pleasure. The bed was such a mess, sheets soaked and I was longing for a nice long nap, instead of which, I stumbled to the bathroom in a zombie state, getting ready for work.  

Boredom has affected my ability to write, lately, words just won't flow, frustration gnaws at me, so maybe I will post new pictures of my travels for a while .  As I wrote some time ago, I'm in that horny mood that makes me do things I'm not supposed to do, like reading sex blogs at work, chatting and answering IMs, spending endless hours on tumblr, fantasizing and feeling wet all the time.  I can feel the tickling deep inside me, the nagging of my desire, the want for getting filled, stretched, and wildly possesed.  To such an extend that everyday, I need to hide and take care of myself in the restroom,  the very place where I took my last HNT picture after a good O.  Our restroom is a discreet place for dirty deeds.  My imagination is set on fire, especially after some hot camming the night before, good sex in the morning and discovering hot stories reflecting my adventures on someone's blog *wink*.  I crave a hard big cock, I crave someone to tell me naughty things. As for being naughty, someone is already playing with me and receiving pictures taken in the restroom at work (thank you for making me a naughty girl, sweetie!) *smirk!*  I have already posted one, by the way.

Things I'd like to change...

You saw my latest post about having a bad day, well actually, it is like several bad days, and I was planning to do some very nice things, here.  I did nothing, but stay in bed with a kidney infection, taking antibiotics, and crying, crying and more crying.  A real anxiety attack!  Since my husband now admitted he is in depression and should go on a therapy, it seems the strong me has started to crumble.  I felt completely empty with no taste for anything but sleep. And slept, comatose sleep, feeling even more empty.  Now, in my self pitty, I read some blogs, which made me feel even more useless.  Saw some really gorgeous bloggers and thought, I should stop blooging out of disgust for being so unglorious!

Feeling like a freak

(Erik Keller - Wundertkammer006)

   

 

I would like to fly
(tumbler)


 

The body I would like to have, but which one?
(tumbler)

The butt I would like to have (tumbler)

How sexy I would like to be (tumbler)

The complicity I would like to have with my partner (tumbler)

One of the moments I would like to share with someone (tumbler)

Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl who believed in fairytales (tumbler)

But than I read the side-effects of the antibiotics....

"I feel like Ive been living in a consistent state of suspension. Like I’m just hovering between things, nothing grounding me, nothing pulling me in any direction. Just floating from one day to the next with no structure to help distinguish days. Sometimes this feeling is exciting and freeing, other times, this feeling makes me feel lonely and lost." (tumbler)

....and what do I read:  depression!!!  WTF!!!  No wonder!  I'm not that sort of girl! Damn! Will go back to the doctor's and complain!

So, tomorrow, back to work.

Moments

Pain, Fear, Anxiety, Ambulances, Hospitals, Doctors

Expectations, Questioning, Reassurance,

Relief, Medicine, Breakdown, Rest,

Responsibilities, Being Strong,

Facing the Truth, Arguing, Anger, Grief, Promises,

Crying, Distress, Needing Help,

Understanding, Sharing Worries, Feeling Relieved,

Friendship, Love, Hope?

Friendship, Love, Hope…

H O P E!

Spring

It is Spring again, birds are singing and building nests, trees and plants are blossoming, bees are buzzing, and I am constantly aroused.  I want sex, raw sex.  I am horny as hell, I have these images in my mind, of passionate lovemaking and I am going crazy, craving sex.  I feel like a horny bitch or a predator, a couguar.

Yet, I am behaving or almost.  Five weeks without sex.  Yet since my return we have not had that much sex or if we had, it was...  so so.  Poor hubby! I feel so unfair to him. He has offered  me an 8" dildoe.  I have always dreamt of a big dick, but this one almost hurt. I guess I have to get used to it.  So why are we back to before Christmas?  I cannot explain.  I guess we are not on the same wavelength anymore, more blatantly than ever.  We had expectations, but different ones it seems.  Both feeling disappointed by one another.  Is this the sign that we definitely need to take action and reach a decision? 

There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There’s a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying to fix things, but it’s not giving up, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts.

It is certainly time for me to reach such a decision; and I already have done something in that direction.  I have "misbehaved", I had my first camsex and it was amazing!  Is that cheating?  It probably is, but I did not feel like it.  He made me feel beautiful and wonderful.  He was totally in control and I loved it.  I have read somewhere that strong women need to feel dominated sometimes. They need to let go and let someone else be in control.  It is not that I call myself a strong women, but I am the one in charge, so what a wonderful feeling it was just to let someone tell me what to do, in a very gentle but firm way.  And I want more.

My social life and my self-esteem are next to zero, yet on two occasions, I went to a restaurant, and both times, men came to me and told me how terrific I looked. I felt like a queen and am grateful.  So, now I want to feel on top of the world.  And I want more.

Hubby had found a job (the first in 4 years), unfortunately, after three months, he was jobless again, due to a decision further up in the hierarchy, nothing to do with his performance.  So, we are in a dead-end street again, no projects, no alternative other than networking and hoping he gets another opportunity. We had both decided to wait until he had put some money aside for him to be able to move out, and eventually filing for a divorce.  Now we are both bitter, he feels like a total looser, and I end up thinking he is one.  What is the solution?  Will he end up in depression or will he try by all means to find any job?  Is he a strong person or a complete looser?  Am I selfish if I don't care anymore, and decide to fend for myself and try to be happy and start a new life for what is left of it?  I want more!  I want to get my sexy back. I wish to get loved properly again. I wish to be able to share my passions with someone who cares.  I wish to go lighthearted ahead and achieve things that I always wanted to achieve.  I just want to live.  And this is what I'm going to do even if it means I shall be naughty.

I know I sound very upset and unfair to hubby, but I can't see the end of the tunnel, yet I have a choice, but the children workship their father so much, I am the bad guy in this story or so it seems to me.  What do you think?  Should I go ahead and take whatever comes my way and just cut loose?  Or should I give hubby another chance and see if he manages to find himself a job (I have been waiting for 4 years now).  We spoke about divorce last August, which was almost a year ago.  I have been extremely patient since, but now I am on the verge of breaking down. 

My best friend called me this morning.  She just broke up with her boyfriend, after a 10 year relationship. Within two weeks, he met someone else on a dating website.  She feels great.  She proposed me to go out and have fun, take dance lessons and spend some nice time together.  Actually, this is exactly what I need.  So, this is what I'm going to do in the coming weeks.  Hubby will not like it, but better have a wifey who has fun and is in good spirits than a nasty, bitter, frustrated bitch at home.  Let's see what happens...

.

Happily back

Yes, I'm back home after 5 days grounded in Bangkok because of the volcanic eruption.


The first two days, our airline told us not to come to the airport, since all flights to Europe had been cancelled. We were told to regularly check our airline's website. They offered us one night in a 5* hotel. On the third day, regular flights had resumed. A wake-up call at 6 a.m. and we - about 1000 people - went to the airport as early as 8 a.m. to start queuing to get on a waiting list for the first flight to leave at noon. However, priority was given to regular passengers, then to first class, business class, Gold and Silver card holders and eventually, about half a dozen were randomly called to board the plane. There was no logic as to whom would board the plane. The procedure was repeated three times until past midnight, when we all went back to the hotel - for those who could still afford a hotel, a lot of people slept at the airport on the floor. After this first day of hope, a lot of people got angry because of lack of information.

The next day, the whole procedure was repeated. A significant number of people managed to leave on various flights that day. Around midnight, we were told that on Wednesdays, the airline did not fly to/from Bangkok, but that they would exceptionally send an empty aircraft to come and get those stranded people who had not managed to find a seat on a regular flight. So, this is how I managed to come back home.

In the meantime, the Red Shirts have demonstrated and people were killed. Travellers are advised not to come to Thailand for the time being.

I did not have time to blog nor to read much, so what a surprise when I checked my blog and discovered I had 25 followers! Wow! I'm feeling proud that people are actually interested in what I write. A big welcome to you and thank you for having left comments. There is more to come about my travels, with pictures I took, I hope you will continue enjoying my posts.

A special mention to those who chatted with me while I was feeling lonely, thank you so much for your warm words and your concern.

One year later

Exactly one year ago, on Valentine’s day, I took the decision to divorce. I was angry, depressed, but determined. Almost paralyzed by a serious lumbago, stuck in bed for a week reading was my only occupation. My daughter had been offered the complete series of Twilight books for her birthday, being in a period of self-pitying, I left myself sink into the drama and came to realize that maybe I would never again be able to experience such intense feelings, which made me utterly depressed. Where had the love gone after such a long marriage? Was my life going to continue like this, in a routine from which feelings of love and belonging had disappeared, where we only stayed together because of the children? With a non existent sex life? With endless frustration and frequent arguments? I was slowly dying.

I took the decision to change things in a way that would make me take a different direction. Once my back stopped killing me, I started exercising again and watched my diet. In less than three months, the scale indicated a drastic weight loss and I slowly regained some self-confidence, feeling a lot sexier. Fortunately, in late March I was sent to Africa, where I worked for two full weeks, followed by another two weeks of holiday. At this point in my life, these are the only moments when I am really happy and completely myself.

My trip was wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to meet a friend I had not seen in three years and it was great. I felt appreciated and easygoing. What a booster for my ego.

When I came back, my husband must have felt a change, we made love for the first time in over two years. My friend kept writing to me and our messages became more and more intense. I was addicted to his mails, we also texted. I felt happy for the first time in years and more determined than ever to divorce. I went for some legal counseling. Things were not going to be simple, moneywise especially. I informed my husband of my intention to divorce. I took him completely by surprise, he felt hurt. However, the situation deteriorated again because of the fact that my husband had been jobless for well over three years - with no unemployment benefit whatsoever - and because of our financial situation. The result was that as long as my husband was dependent on me, and being absolutely worshipped by the children, I could not ask him to leave. This was in August.

I was sent to Africa again in September, very intense work; while there, took some time off again, wonderful! However, things deteriorated even more when I came back, moneywise. My friend stopped writing to me. His wife had read one of my texts and gave him hell. Depression caught up on me, that was when I started wondering about blogging. My husband had finally accepted the idea of divorcing, but with Christmas nearing, we decided to go on a truce. The three weeks I stayed at home were almost dreamlike - steaming sex, no arguments, more sex - and he found himself a job at the start of the new year, a short-term with the hope of signing a contract next June. Moneywise, things are still very difficult. We are completely broke.

Now, one year later, I feel we have become friends again, if not completely husband and wife - the love is definitely gone for me. We are still not divorced. He does not communicate much, but I have the feeling he is hoping that with a new job things will ease up, and we will stay together. We are like best friends in our good moments, we have brought up three wonderful children, but we have been hurting each other, the children have not seen me happy in a very long time. At worst, they cannot remember their mom as a happy person, what image do they have of me?

I am fed up with the waiting. I would like my life to move on. I can only hope that we will behave like responsible adults, stay friends and manage amicably.

I am determined to make it happen.