It is spring again!

First, I seem to have gained quite a few new followers lately, let me wish you a warm welcome on my blog!  Just one missing to reach a hundred!  Hehe! Such an achievement! Almost unbelievable! And please don't hesitate to leave comments, they are always welcome.

Spring is back and it is wonderful, my favourite season, I think.  Birds are chirping in the morning when I wake up, building nests during the daytime and chirping again when I come home from work. Spring is light yellow in colour, forsythias being the first bushes to blossom, along with  primeroses.  Small violets show their tiny blue faces on the lawn; and magniolia trees slowly turn into cream and pink.  We are switching to summer time tonight.   

It's seemed such a long winter this year, feeling like being in limbo forever!  It's soon time again for me to pack my suitcase as I will be flying to Central America in two weeks!  Looking forward to equatorial heat, happy sigh!  :) 14 days of continuous work, then one week of vacation, hopefully in Costa Rica.  

I hope to be able to listen to some salsa music and maybe visit a club.  I have decided to go back to dance classes this year and learn Cuban style salsa, as well as the sensual bachata.  As one says, a man who can dance, move his hips and body in a sensual way vertically, may well be a very good dancer horizontally as well, right?  I can confirm!

For those of you who have been following my life since a year or so, I have decided to leave.  I will find myself a place on my own and leave hubby and the children, contrary to what I had wished when hubby and I separated.  It seems that for the time being, I'm unable to handle three rebel teenagers and for everybody's sake, the best solution really is for me to take some distance to be able to overcome depression and break negative viscious circles.  I tried to handle my children, but they are so prejudiced against me, that for my own sanity, it is better to let go.  Maybe later things will be easier, maybe we all need to go through a family therapy, but this will have to be done after hubby has had further surgery and recovered.  I have very mixed feelings about his recovery.  I wonder if he has the mental strength and the positive attitude to recover properly. We shall see.

I have also opened a profile on a dating site recently, so far nothing interesting. It looks like men in general are looking for younger women, sometimes indecently younger women, some are really old ugly men, and then younger men are also looking for younger women and wishing to have children. I am speaking of men about 5 to 10 years younger than me. Where do I fit in?

What I came to realise these last few months is that to feel complete, you do not need to be in a relationship - I have had a lover and friend with whom I have shared a lot of great and unique moments, but I had to accept to let him go. You have to feel your are being yourself and be happy with who you are, with your flaws and strengths. The combination of these strenghts and flaws is what makes you unique, and the fact that you are at peace with whom you are, that you accept the very person you are. As long as you keep looking for someone, especially someone to bring you happiness, you won't find it. Happiness is within you, it is a way of life, not an aim in itself. So, I'm trying to be that person that has always existed deep inside, but for some reason, was unable to be herself completely, to blossom and shine. It is never too late, and I hope she will shine this year and more and more so. I know, I may sound very naïve, as if this was something that I have just discovered, whereas it is obvious to most people. I always knew it, but never managed to make it happen.

And I also wish to all of you that you find this wonderful person within yourselves.

Happy New Year!

Metin Demiralay

Sometimes, you have to kind of die inside

in order to rise from your own ashes

and believe in yourself, and love yourself,

to become a new person.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Blog Anniversary

Tom Chambers - Rites of Passage

It was my blog anniversary a few days ago, I almost missed it.  

One year ago, I was suffocating. Then there was the "Christmas truce" and my husband and I had a lot of sex, discovering some new things in the process.  But I knew I did not love him anymore.  He was jobless, I had problems sustaining the whole family, I was bitter and angry, but wanted to find a way out that would not harm everyone too much.  I then traveled to Asia, which was a good escape from the dreary daily life and also an opportunity for some introspection.  I was feeling strong and determined.   

When I came back things started to become tense again, my husband finally ended up in hospital, he had to admit he was in depression.  Our intention to divorce became official, it was a common decision and we made it clear that we did not want to hear any criticism from anyone.  Things became a little less tense, my husband moved to the basement.  I felt relieved.

He moved out in the fall after finding a long awaited job; I was surprised I did not feel anything at that time.  However, the children who are living with me, became extremely hostile and made me pay for what was happening.  The least I can say is that I was not expecting this painful backlash!  I suddenly felt terribly vulnerable, lonely and unloved, so unloved that I became depressed.  I was on the edge of the abyss, I could either let myself fall into this abyss and victimize, and this fall could be endless.  Realizing this, I decided it was not worth spending all this negative energy pitying myself, yet I had not that much energy left to move forward in a positive state of mind, and I am still struggling to get over this difficult pass.  I think the turn of season did not really help either.

However, in one year, I met several very nice people on-line, some of whom have become lovely friends, and I am very thankful for these friendships (Of course, you all know who you are :-)).  I also very unexpectedly met a very special person, who became a lover and a dear friend.  I cannot speak of him, his life is complicated and we don't know when we shall meet again, yet we both expect to stay in touch. This sexy young man took the trouble to reach out to me and persuade me to meet him in his country,  I cannot hide how terribly nervous I felt because of my shattered ego, nor can I say how thankful I am for all the wonderful moments we shared and for making me feel so special.   

It comforts me to know that I can seduce younger men and be appreciated by them. Yet, I have to admit that I don't know if I am ready now to meet someone here, locally.  I am scared to go on a dating site because I have never done it, and I am afraid of meeting loonies.  I'm a little old fashioned about this as I consider these dating sites as a kind of "meat market", it is very trivial, isn't it? I still need to work on myself and get my positive attitude back.  My husband and I also need to go through all the paper work with the lawyer, hoping to find a mutual agreement satisfactory to both parties.  And yes, we see each other at least once a week and manage to be good friends.  

My birthday is around the corner and I also feel how much I have aged physically in one year, agh!  Life is terrible, isn't it!  You fear not to be able to be sexy enough with your wobbly parts... but again it is all a question of attitude and state of mind.  For the time being, I still feel very vulnerable, but I know that in a few months' time, with the coming of spring, I will hopefully be my old sexy self again! 

It is a rite of passage, we all have to go through these difficult phases in our lives to progress and become wiser!

Life is happening

Kassandra - The Smell of Autumn

The wheel is turning, life is happening. It seems so much has happened lately and is about to happen soon, that.... I'm completely exhausted but getting happier by the day!

First of all, I seem to have new followers. I am surprised that people actually read me LOL! Even if I have not posted anything recently. Welcome to my little world, my new followers. I'm smiling!

Then, my husband is moving out this week-end. We are separated! It is becoming official... What do I feel? Actually, I'm not exhilarated, I'm not sad, I have been waiting for this for such a long time, that I actually don't feel anything. I guess I haven't realized yet, it has to sink in. The backlash is that there is a certain number of issues that need to be discussed with the children as I am the "monster" and I seemingly have to pay for it. We shall see how things work out. It is not going to be easy.

In the meantime, I have not had much rest because of 14 days of on-going work, followed by a week-end spent in Italy with my art class in Milan and Pavia. I need to sleep!

If you read my last post, things have evolved too. I spent a few hours overseas to meet in person someone very special I met online. As I said, it was a very special and intense hug, but things seemed too complicated at first, yet after some in-depth discussion, they should work out very nicely. I don't want to say too much now, but we have plans to meet again. I hope to be able to post about our first few hours together soon. It made me so happy! The distance and our personal circumstances, as I mentioned in my last post, do not make it easy, but we crave each other's company so much that we want to meet again soon! Oh, I'm sooo looking forward to that much needed warm, affectionate, tender hug, my dear! And sharing masses of TLC, I can't wait!

So, life is happening at last, I'm taking one thing at a time and appreciate all the positive vibes that are coming my way, thanks to a few friends I have close by, but also to some lovely people I met online across the world, you know who you are, especially you, my Fairy!

After a while you learn

Kirsti Hunter

Here is another great poem that speaks a lot to me.  I found it on Kimberly Gray's blog, Tumblr (via middleofgray), she is worth the visit, please have a look at: http://mygrayline.blogspot.com/

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn

Veronica A. Shoffstall

It is the translation of following poem by Jorge Luis Borges

Después de un tiempo,

uno aprende la sutil diferencia

entre sostener una mano

y encadenar un alma,

y uno aprende que el amor

no significa acostarse

y una compañía no significa seguridad

y uno empieza a aprender.

Que los besos no son contratos

y los regalos no son promesas

y uno empieza a aceptar sus derrotas

con la cabeza alta y los ojos abiertos

y uno aprende a construir todos sus caminos en el hoy,

porque el terreno de mañana

es demasiado inseguro para planes...

y los futuros tienen una forma de caerse en la mitad.

Y después de un tiempo

uno aprende que si es demasiado,

hasta el calorcito del sol quema.

Así que uno planta su propio jardín

y decora su propia alma, en lugar

de esperar a que alguien le traiga flores.

Y uno aprende que realmente puede aguantar,

que uno realmente es fuerte,

que uno realmente vale, y uno aprende y aprende...

y con cada día uno aprende.