Just let go

Letting go is just the most difficult thing in the world when so many things are at stake, but you have to move on.  I'm still on a roller-coaster most of the time, but feeling better.  I need to take care of my children who also suffer at the moment.  They need a strong mom.  I am therefore  going to post less for a while.  I'm still there, answering messages and reading, but right now, some people need me as much as I need them, and I need to concentrate on them.  

Love you all, my lovelies!

Life is happening

Kassandra - The Smell of Autumn

The wheel is turning, life is happening. It seems so much has happened lately and is about to happen soon, that.... I'm completely exhausted but getting happier by the day!

First of all, I seem to have new followers. I am surprised that people actually read me LOL! Even if I have not posted anything recently. Welcome to my little world, my new followers. I'm smiling!

Then, my husband is moving out this week-end. We are separated! It is becoming official... What do I feel? Actually, I'm not exhilarated, I'm not sad, I have been waiting for this for such a long time, that I actually don't feel anything. I guess I haven't realized yet, it has to sink in. The backlash is that there is a certain number of issues that need to be discussed with the children as I am the "monster" and I seemingly have to pay for it. We shall see how things work out. It is not going to be easy.

In the meantime, I have not had much rest because of 14 days of on-going work, followed by a week-end spent in Italy with my art class in Milan and Pavia. I need to sleep!

If you read my last post, things have evolved too. I spent a few hours overseas to meet in person someone very special I met online. As I said, it was a very special and intense hug, but things seemed too complicated at first, yet after some in-depth discussion, they should work out very nicely. I don't want to say too much now, but we have plans to meet again. I hope to be able to post about our first few hours together soon. It made me so happy! The distance and our personal circumstances, as I mentioned in my last post, do not make it easy, but we crave each other's company so much that we want to meet again soon! Oh, I'm sooo looking forward to that much needed warm, affectionate, tender hug, my dear! And sharing masses of TLC, I can't wait!

So, life is happening at last, I'm taking one thing at a time and appreciate all the positive vibes that are coming my way, thanks to a few friends I have close by, but also to some lovely people I met online across the world, you know who you are, especially you, my Fairy!

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

Life is taking a turn.  We told the children about our decision to divorce. Contrary to what my husband was expecting, there was no drama.  The children were relieved.  The atmosphere became breathable again.  I took a whole week away from home (see my latest HNT). I had the pleasure to meet each of my children for lunch and get their feedback and thoughts.  It looks like their dear father is not that ideal after all, which in some way comforts me.  I'm not the only bad guy in the story. 


During that time alone, I allowed myself some reflection and I came to the conclusion that I was doing the best thing for everyone, including my husband.  Yet, when I came home to discover the house had undergone a post-nuclear war treatment and that he had moved to the basement, I could not prevent tears from welling up.  Over 20 years of common life, sharing the same bed, waking up in each other's arms or at least cuddling or just being there.  The very bed where all three children have been conceived. Now it is over,  like something is missing...  This is what I wanted, this is what I was thriving for, what I have inflicted on my husband, it is brutal even if I was longing for it.  I can see the pain in his eyes, he feels so helpless...

 I believe that what we get out of life is what we’ve set ourselves up to get, so there’s no such thing as an inconsequential decision. Our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we’ve made along the way, which is why it’s imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. Don’t let anyone else’s noise drown it out.– Megan McCafferty

Don’t let the mistakes and disappointments of the past control and direct your future. – Zig Ziglar

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all. – Rita Mae Brown

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.– C.S. Lewis

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it– ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing. -Ayn Rand

Maybe it is time for me to go on a dating site?

Moments

Pain, Fear, Anxiety, Ambulances, Hospitals, Doctors

Expectations, Questioning, Reassurance,

Relief, Medicine, Breakdown, Rest,

Responsibilities, Being Strong,

Facing the Truth, Arguing, Anger, Grief, Promises,

Crying, Distress, Needing Help,

Understanding, Sharing Worries, Feeling Relieved,

Friendship, Love, Hope?

Friendship, Love, Hope…

H O P E!

Spring

It is Spring again, birds are singing and building nests, trees and plants are blossoming, bees are buzzing, and I am constantly aroused.  I want sex, raw sex.  I am horny as hell, I have these images in my mind, of passionate lovemaking and I am going crazy, craving sex.  I feel like a horny bitch or a predator, a couguar.

Yet, I am behaving or almost.  Five weeks without sex.  Yet since my return we have not had that much sex or if we had, it was...  so so.  Poor hubby! I feel so unfair to him. He has offered  me an 8" dildoe.  I have always dreamt of a big dick, but this one almost hurt. I guess I have to get used to it.  So why are we back to before Christmas?  I cannot explain.  I guess we are not on the same wavelength anymore, more blatantly than ever.  We had expectations, but different ones it seems.  Both feeling disappointed by one another.  Is this the sign that we definitely need to take action and reach a decision? 

There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There’s a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying to fix things, but it’s not giving up, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts.

It is certainly time for me to reach such a decision; and I already have done something in that direction.  I have "misbehaved", I had my first camsex and it was amazing!  Is that cheating?  It probably is, but I did not feel like it.  He made me feel beautiful and wonderful.  He was totally in control and I loved it.  I have read somewhere that strong women need to feel dominated sometimes. They need to let go and let someone else be in control.  It is not that I call myself a strong women, but I am the one in charge, so what a wonderful feeling it was just to let someone tell me what to do, in a very gentle but firm way.  And I want more.

My social life and my self-esteem are next to zero, yet on two occasions, I went to a restaurant, and both times, men came to me and told me how terrific I looked. I felt like a queen and am grateful.  So, now I want to feel on top of the world.  And I want more.

Hubby had found a job (the first in 4 years), unfortunately, after three months, he was jobless again, due to a decision further up in the hierarchy, nothing to do with his performance.  So, we are in a dead-end street again, no projects, no alternative other than networking and hoping he gets another opportunity. We had both decided to wait until he had put some money aside for him to be able to move out, and eventually filing for a divorce.  Now we are both bitter, he feels like a total looser, and I end up thinking he is one.  What is the solution?  Will he end up in depression or will he try by all means to find any job?  Is he a strong person or a complete looser?  Am I selfish if I don't care anymore, and decide to fend for myself and try to be happy and start a new life for what is left of it?  I want more!  I want to get my sexy back. I wish to get loved properly again. I wish to be able to share my passions with someone who cares.  I wish to go lighthearted ahead and achieve things that I always wanted to achieve.  I just want to live.  And this is what I'm going to do even if it means I shall be naughty.

I know I sound very upset and unfair to hubby, but I can't see the end of the tunnel, yet I have a choice, but the children workship their father so much, I am the bad guy in this story or so it seems to me.  What do you think?  Should I go ahead and take whatever comes my way and just cut loose?  Or should I give hubby another chance and see if he manages to find himself a job (I have been waiting for 4 years now).  We spoke about divorce last August, which was almost a year ago.  I have been extremely patient since, but now I am on the verge of breaking down. 

My best friend called me this morning.  She just broke up with her boyfriend, after a 10 year relationship. Within two weeks, he met someone else on a dating website.  She feels great.  She proposed me to go out and have fun, take dance lessons and spend some nice time together.  Actually, this is exactly what I need.  So, this is what I'm going to do in the coming weeks.  Hubby will not like it, but better have a wifey who has fun and is in good spirits than a nasty, bitter, frustrated bitch at home.  Let's see what happens...

.

What if?

In less than three weeks, I'll be travelling again, guess where?  This picture should give you a hint. 


I will get some time away from home, which is greatly needed.


Last night, I was in bed early with a runny clown's nose and pumpkin head, reading some blogs (I've become completely addicted), when hubby came and told me he had some medicine for my cold.  Delicious medicine!


What if I lick you down there while you suck me down here?  Oh, heaven!  What if I put my fingers in here, moving them in a circle, while my thumb rubs that little bud of yours?  Oh, oh, don't stop!  What if I push that little spot still circling my fingers?  Oh, oh, oh!!!  Oh my God!..........   pant! pant! pant!  How did you do this?  This was just incredible! The bed is soaked.  What if I gave you this medicine for your sore throat?  Hum!  hummmmmpf!  Hmmmm! Hmmmmpff!  Barely breathing with my stuffed-up nose...  Jaw slightly hurting, neck bent in an uncomfortable angle.  Ah!  Breathing again!  Ooops sticky stuff on my breasts, chin, nose and eye! He he he!  Wish someone would take a picture! 

= ∞ =

What if we put up an ad to find a man for a threesome?  HUH?!?  WHAT?!? We had discussed our fantasies at some point, along with having sex in awkward places, watching porn while having sex, etc.

Me (thinking) hm!  Someone with a nice, big cock..

Hubby: he would need to be elegant!

Me (thinking)... yes, hairless chest, butt and shoulders...

Hubby: able to sustain a conversation!

Me: Huh?  you mean you will speak politics and sports while you f**k me?

Hubby: no, before, when we meet him.  He would need to be younger.

Me (thinking)... nice chiselled torso, tight ass, cute smile...

Hubby: and I would not want a fucker!

Me: So, what do you want him for?

Hubby: no, I could not stand a vulgar idiot just wanting to f**k you for the sake of it!  I still don't even know if I could bear the sight of another man having sex with you.

Me ... well, maybe when he sees us he will run away... after seeing my wobbly stomach (after three pregnancies), my sagging breasts after their long lost battle against gravity, or my "flatbed"?

Hubby: so, when do we put up an add?

Me (suddenly waking up from my daydreaming) Oh no!   Can we please talk it over again, there is a difference between fantasies and reality.  Let me just digest this, I'm still under shock!   I need to think it over.

This is where I realised that, although things seem to be going in the right direction for hubby, they may not for me.  I started panicking, wait, wait, wait. This is going too fast!  I need a break away from home and that is exactly what I'm going to have in a few weeks' time. 

Understand me, before Christmas, we were still having arguments, nasty, snappy remarks for each other, and I badly wanted to divorce after we had tried to make things change for ten years. At Christmas, we decided on a truce and, like bonobos, I initiated the "make love not war" behaviour.  Now, things seem to develop in a lighter tone, but I still want to divorce, for many reasons, but basically because it is too late now for me to try and save our marriage.  But hubby seems to think differently.  How can I explain without hurting him more?  Can we not just divorce and be buddies?  We know couples who have divorced and are having affairs with their ex.  Have I done it all wrong? 

May this break help me find the right words, attitude and state of mind to explain calmly what I wish for the two of us in the future.  It need not be painful.

One year later

Exactly one year ago, on Valentine’s day, I took the decision to divorce. I was angry, depressed, but determined. Almost paralyzed by a serious lumbago, stuck in bed for a week reading was my only occupation. My daughter had been offered the complete series of Twilight books for her birthday, being in a period of self-pitying, I left myself sink into the drama and came to realize that maybe I would never again be able to experience such intense feelings, which made me utterly depressed. Where had the love gone after such a long marriage? Was my life going to continue like this, in a routine from which feelings of love and belonging had disappeared, where we only stayed together because of the children? With a non existent sex life? With endless frustration and frequent arguments? I was slowly dying.

I took the decision to change things in a way that would make me take a different direction. Once my back stopped killing me, I started exercising again and watched my diet. In less than three months, the scale indicated a drastic weight loss and I slowly regained some self-confidence, feeling a lot sexier. Fortunately, in late March I was sent to Africa, where I worked for two full weeks, followed by another two weeks of holiday. At this point in my life, these are the only moments when I am really happy and completely myself.

My trip was wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to meet a friend I had not seen in three years and it was great. I felt appreciated and easygoing. What a booster for my ego.

When I came back, my husband must have felt a change, we made love for the first time in over two years. My friend kept writing to me and our messages became more and more intense. I was addicted to his mails, we also texted. I felt happy for the first time in years and more determined than ever to divorce. I went for some legal counseling. Things were not going to be simple, moneywise especially. I informed my husband of my intention to divorce. I took him completely by surprise, he felt hurt. However, the situation deteriorated again because of the fact that my husband had been jobless for well over three years - with no unemployment benefit whatsoever - and because of our financial situation. The result was that as long as my husband was dependent on me, and being absolutely worshipped by the children, I could not ask him to leave. This was in August.

I was sent to Africa again in September, very intense work; while there, took some time off again, wonderful! However, things deteriorated even more when I came back, moneywise. My friend stopped writing to me. His wife had read one of my texts and gave him hell. Depression caught up on me, that was when I started wondering about blogging. My husband had finally accepted the idea of divorcing, but with Christmas nearing, we decided to go on a truce. The three weeks I stayed at home were almost dreamlike - steaming sex, no arguments, more sex - and he found himself a job at the start of the new year, a short-term with the hope of signing a contract next June. Moneywise, things are still very difficult. We are completely broke.

Now, one year later, I feel we have become friends again, if not completely husband and wife - the love is definitely gone for me. We are still not divorced. He does not communicate much, but I have the feeling he is hoping that with a new job things will ease up, and we will stay together. We are like best friends in our good moments, we have brought up three wonderful children, but we have been hurting each other, the children have not seen me happy in a very long time. At worst, they cannot remember their mom as a happy person, what image do they have of me?

I am fed up with the waiting. I would like my life to move on. I can only hope that we will behave like responsible adults, stay friends and manage amicably.

I am determined to make it happen.