It is spring again!

First, I seem to have gained quite a few new followers lately, let me wish you a warm welcome on my blog!  Just one missing to reach a hundred!  Hehe! Such an achievement! Almost unbelievable! And please don't hesitate to leave comments, they are always welcome.

Spring is back and it is wonderful, my favourite season, I think.  Birds are chirping in the morning when I wake up, building nests during the daytime and chirping again when I come home from work. Spring is light yellow in colour, forsythias being the first bushes to blossom, along with  primeroses.  Small violets show their tiny blue faces on the lawn; and magniolia trees slowly turn into cream and pink.  We are switching to summer time tonight.   

It's seemed such a long winter this year, feeling like being in limbo forever!  It's soon time again for me to pack my suitcase as I will be flying to Central America in two weeks!  Looking forward to equatorial heat, happy sigh!  :) 14 days of continuous work, then one week of vacation, hopefully in Costa Rica.  

I hope to be able to listen to some salsa music and maybe visit a club.  I have decided to go back to dance classes this year and learn Cuban style salsa, as well as the sensual bachata.  As one says, a man who can dance, move his hips and body in a sensual way vertically, may well be a very good dancer horizontally as well, right?  I can confirm!

For those of you who have been following my life since a year or so, I have decided to leave.  I will find myself a place on my own and leave hubby and the children, contrary to what I had wished when hubby and I separated.  It seems that for the time being, I'm unable to handle three rebel teenagers and for everybody's sake, the best solution really is for me to take some distance to be able to overcome depression and break negative viscious circles.  I tried to handle my children, but they are so prejudiced against me, that for my own sanity, it is better to let go.  Maybe later things will be easier, maybe we all need to go through a family therapy, but this will have to be done after hubby has had further surgery and recovered.  I have very mixed feelings about his recovery.  I wonder if he has the mental strength and the positive attitude to recover properly. We shall see.

I have also opened a profile on a dating site recently, so far nothing interesting. It looks like men in general are looking for younger women, sometimes indecently younger women, some are really old ugly men, and then younger men are also looking for younger women and wishing to have children. I am speaking of men about 5 to 10 years younger than me. Where do I fit in?

What I came to realise these last few months is that to feel complete, you do not need to be in a relationship - I have had a lover and friend with whom I have shared a lot of great and unique moments, but I had to accept to let him go. You have to feel your are being yourself and be happy with who you are, with your flaws and strengths. The combination of these strenghts and flaws is what makes you unique, and the fact that you are at peace with whom you are, that you accept the very person you are. As long as you keep looking for someone, especially someone to bring you happiness, you won't find it. Happiness is within you, it is a way of life, not an aim in itself. So, I'm trying to be that person that has always existed deep inside, but for some reason, was unable to be herself completely, to blossom and shine. It is never too late, and I hope she will shine this year and more and more so. I know, I may sound very naïve, as if this was something that I have just discovered, whereas it is obvious to most people. I always knew it, but never managed to make it happen.

And I also wish to all of you that you find this wonderful person within yourselves.

Dublin... alone

So folks, change of plans, I am going to be in Dublin on my own this week-end, too bad :(  I was hoping a friendly company but plans have changed, so..... the big girl I am is still hoping to have fun; visit Dublin without my personal guide - haven't had time yet to read anything about the city - maybe a museum, maybe enjoy some night life, just walk around, go to some pubs, maybe listen to some bands....  If you are a Dubliner and happen to read this, suggestions are welcome...  I have my new camera with me.  In any case, I'm looking forward to this trip.

Just let go

Letting go is just the most difficult thing in the world when so many things are at stake, but you have to move on.  I'm still on a roller-coaster most of the time, but feeling better.  I need to take care of my children who also suffer at the moment.  They need a strong mom.  I am therefore  going to post less for a while.  I'm still there, answering messages and reading, but right now, some people need me as much as I need them, and I need to concentrate on them.  

Love you all, my lovelies!

Away for a hug

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I'm away for the day, flying over the sea for a hug.  We shall see what happens...

It was a beautiful hug, an intense hug, but only a hug.  

Life circumstances and the distance made us realise more was impossible.  

We shall remain friends, if that is at all possible.  

You know you are very dear and special to me.

You start dying

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You start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself.

You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.

You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths...
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours
Or you do not speak to those you don't know.

You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.

You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice..."

Pablo Neruda

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

Life is taking a turn.  We told the children about our decision to divorce. Contrary to what my husband was expecting, there was no drama.  The children were relieved.  The atmosphere became breathable again.  I took a whole week away from home (see my latest HNT). I had the pleasure to meet each of my children for lunch and get their feedback and thoughts.  It looks like their dear father is not that ideal after all, which in some way comforts me.  I'm not the only bad guy in the story. 


During that time alone, I allowed myself some reflection and I came to the conclusion that I was doing the best thing for everyone, including my husband.  Yet, when I came home to discover the house had undergone a post-nuclear war treatment and that he had moved to the basement, I could not prevent tears from welling up.  Over 20 years of common life, sharing the same bed, waking up in each other's arms or at least cuddling or just being there.  The very bed where all three children have been conceived. Now it is over,  like something is missing...  This is what I wanted, this is what I was thriving for, what I have inflicted on my husband, it is brutal even if I was longing for it.  I can see the pain in his eyes, he feels so helpless...

 I believe that what we get out of life is what we’ve set ourselves up to get, so there’s no such thing as an inconsequential decision. Our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we’ve made along the way, which is why it’s imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. Don’t let anyone else’s noise drown it out.– Megan McCafferty

Don’t let the mistakes and disappointments of the past control and direct your future. – Zig Ziglar

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all. – Rita Mae Brown

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.– C.S. Lewis

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it– ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing. -Ayn Rand

Maybe it is time for me to go on a dating site?

Spring

It is Spring again, birds are singing and building nests, trees and plants are blossoming, bees are buzzing, and I am constantly aroused.  I want sex, raw sex.  I am horny as hell, I have these images in my mind, of passionate lovemaking and I am going crazy, craving sex.  I feel like a horny bitch or a predator, a couguar.

Yet, I am behaving or almost.  Five weeks without sex.  Yet since my return we have not had that much sex or if we had, it was...  so so.  Poor hubby! I feel so unfair to him. He has offered  me an 8" dildoe.  I have always dreamt of a big dick, but this one almost hurt. I guess I have to get used to it.  So why are we back to before Christmas?  I cannot explain.  I guess we are not on the same wavelength anymore, more blatantly than ever.  We had expectations, but different ones it seems.  Both feeling disappointed by one another.  Is this the sign that we definitely need to take action and reach a decision? 

There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There’s a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying to fix things, but it’s not giving up, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts.

It is certainly time for me to reach such a decision; and I already have done something in that direction.  I have "misbehaved", I had my first camsex and it was amazing!  Is that cheating?  It probably is, but I did not feel like it.  He made me feel beautiful and wonderful.  He was totally in control and I loved it.  I have read somewhere that strong women need to feel dominated sometimes. They need to let go and let someone else be in control.  It is not that I call myself a strong women, but I am the one in charge, so what a wonderful feeling it was just to let someone tell me what to do, in a very gentle but firm way.  And I want more.

My social life and my self-esteem are next to zero, yet on two occasions, I went to a restaurant, and both times, men came to me and told me how terrific I looked. I felt like a queen and am grateful.  So, now I want to feel on top of the world.  And I want more.

Hubby had found a job (the first in 4 years), unfortunately, after three months, he was jobless again, due to a decision further up in the hierarchy, nothing to do with his performance.  So, we are in a dead-end street again, no projects, no alternative other than networking and hoping he gets another opportunity. We had both decided to wait until he had put some money aside for him to be able to move out, and eventually filing for a divorce.  Now we are both bitter, he feels like a total looser, and I end up thinking he is one.  What is the solution?  Will he end up in depression or will he try by all means to find any job?  Is he a strong person or a complete looser?  Am I selfish if I don't care anymore, and decide to fend for myself and try to be happy and start a new life for what is left of it?  I want more!  I want to get my sexy back. I wish to get loved properly again. I wish to be able to share my passions with someone who cares.  I wish to go lighthearted ahead and achieve things that I always wanted to achieve.  I just want to live.  And this is what I'm going to do even if it means I shall be naughty.

I know I sound very upset and unfair to hubby, but I can't see the end of the tunnel, yet I have a choice, but the children workship their father so much, I am the bad guy in this story or so it seems to me.  What do you think?  Should I go ahead and take whatever comes my way and just cut loose?  Or should I give hubby another chance and see if he manages to find himself a job (I have been waiting for 4 years now).  We spoke about divorce last August, which was almost a year ago.  I have been extremely patient since, but now I am on the verge of breaking down. 

My best friend called me this morning.  She just broke up with her boyfriend, after a 10 year relationship. Within two weeks, he met someone else on a dating website.  She feels great.  She proposed me to go out and have fun, take dance lessons and spend some nice time together.  Actually, this is exactly what I need.  So, this is what I'm going to do in the coming weeks.  Hubby will not like it, but better have a wifey who has fun and is in good spirits than a nasty, bitter, frustrated bitch at home.  Let's see what happens...

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Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Happily back

Yes, I'm back home after 5 days grounded in Bangkok because of the volcanic eruption.


The first two days, our airline told us not to come to the airport, since all flights to Europe had been cancelled. We were told to regularly check our airline's website. They offered us one night in a 5* hotel. On the third day, regular flights had resumed. A wake-up call at 6 a.m. and we - about 1000 people - went to the airport as early as 8 a.m. to start queuing to get on a waiting list for the first flight to leave at noon. However, priority was given to regular passengers, then to first class, business class, Gold and Silver card holders and eventually, about half a dozen were randomly called to board the plane. There was no logic as to whom would board the plane. The procedure was repeated three times until past midnight, when we all went back to the hotel - for those who could still afford a hotel, a lot of people slept at the airport on the floor. After this first day of hope, a lot of people got angry because of lack of information.

The next day, the whole procedure was repeated. A significant number of people managed to leave on various flights that day. Around midnight, we were told that on Wednesdays, the airline did not fly to/from Bangkok, but that they would exceptionally send an empty aircraft to come and get those stranded people who had not managed to find a seat on a regular flight. So, this is how I managed to come back home.

In the meantime, the Red Shirts have demonstrated and people were killed. Travellers are advised not to come to Thailand for the time being.

I did not have time to blog nor to read much, so what a surprise when I checked my blog and discovered I had 25 followers! Wow! I'm feeling proud that people are actually interested in what I write. A big welcome to you and thank you for having left comments. There is more to come about my travels, with pictures I took, I hope you will continue enjoying my posts.

A special mention to those who chatted with me while I was feeling lonely, thank you so much for your warm words and your concern.

Under Foreign Skies

Travelling, for me, can be quite a sensual experience. I am always thrilled by the first breath I inhale when I step out of the plane. Like an animal, I sniff the air and try to analyse and define what comes through my nostrils. It can be quite surprising sometimes as it is the scent of flowers or spices, rather than just the smell of dirt. When I came back to Africa last year, I recognised the very peculiar perfume of the African grass although we were miles away from the savannah, and then I heard the birds’ songs and I knew I was back on my favourite continent.

I also look at the sky. The sky is very different if you are in Stockholm or in the Masai Mara. I have never seen a clearer sky than in the Mara, it is crystal clear, pristine, as it were one of the first days of the world. When you live in a city, where the sky is blurred by pollution, by city lights at night, it does not come to your mind to watch the sky, apart from watching the starts or the moon, why would you?


If you are lucky, you hear the sounds of nature - bush or savannah, or even desert - which is in fact very quiet. Animals are quiet most of the time, apart from birds. Human beings are the loudest of all species. Annoyingly loud! In an African capital, the priest of the Orthodox Church would start to pray on the microphone from 3.30 to 5.30 a.m. every morning for two weeks. It turned out that according to their calendar, Easter started two weeks earlier than ours, something difficult to adapt to when you have to get up early and work 14 days in a row. The lion roars in the gardens of the King’s Palace next door, or the bray of rutting female donkeys at night, in the slums next door, sounded like music to our ears.


The landscapes and the colours are the most powerful first impressions. Then I look at the people, at their features¸ their clothes, the way they interact. What strikes me is that people often smile, much more than here in Europe. It seems to me that we have lost that connection, we are all so busy, serious, arrogant and grumpy. We thrive under stress, so full of our own importance, becoming upset when we are not getting what we are asking for at once. We don’t smile so much anymore. And I realise that the notion of time changes depending on where you are, North or South. Time seems to be elastic!


When you travel, ideally you open up to the world and absorb it through all your senses. If you are receptive, it is an incredible lesson of life. You have to accept less comfort, a simpler life, sometimes without electricity and/or water, different food, new spices - another incredibly sensual, almost orgasmic experience - different habits, behaviours, values, or even taboos. It always humbles me.


It makes me live several lives. One time, I am a 6 year old girl walking barefoot on the red dirt road going to school in a torn uniform, my hair pleated, sharing the classroom with children of different grades, with no lunch because the school doesn’t have enough money to feed us at noon. But I do not complain because I learn to read and I will become educated maybe until I am 12, with some luck until I graduate. My mother wakes up at 4.30 a.m. to fetch water from the river, and wood for fuel, an hour or more away from home. She has to be careful with the hyenas that come scavenging into the village at night.

Another time, I am a 23 year old policeman who bribes the owners of small shops selling cheap ethnic paraphernalia to tourists. I have to sustain the whole family since my father was put into jail for some obscure reason. I also sell fake billion dollar bills to tourist, that is how bad the inflation hit the country. I have another job at night, but I don’t want to talk about it.

I am that teenage girl, who was genitally mutilated at 13, who was forced into a marriage with a man 25 years older than her, but who run away from home, and now lives in a centre where she learns to become self-reliant and finishes school.

I am looking forward to travelling again, it is an exhilarating experience. I do feel completely elated.

One year later

Exactly one year ago, on Valentine’s day, I took the decision to divorce. I was angry, depressed, but determined. Almost paralyzed by a serious lumbago, stuck in bed for a week reading was my only occupation. My daughter had been offered the complete series of Twilight books for her birthday, being in a period of self-pitying, I left myself sink into the drama and came to realize that maybe I would never again be able to experience such intense feelings, which made me utterly depressed. Where had the love gone after such a long marriage? Was my life going to continue like this, in a routine from which feelings of love and belonging had disappeared, where we only stayed together because of the children? With a non existent sex life? With endless frustration and frequent arguments? I was slowly dying.

I took the decision to change things in a way that would make me take a different direction. Once my back stopped killing me, I started exercising again and watched my diet. In less than three months, the scale indicated a drastic weight loss and I slowly regained some self-confidence, feeling a lot sexier. Fortunately, in late March I was sent to Africa, where I worked for two full weeks, followed by another two weeks of holiday. At this point in my life, these are the only moments when I am really happy and completely myself.

My trip was wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to meet a friend I had not seen in three years and it was great. I felt appreciated and easygoing. What a booster for my ego.

When I came back, my husband must have felt a change, we made love for the first time in over two years. My friend kept writing to me and our messages became more and more intense. I was addicted to his mails, we also texted. I felt happy for the first time in years and more determined than ever to divorce. I went for some legal counseling. Things were not going to be simple, moneywise especially. I informed my husband of my intention to divorce. I took him completely by surprise, he felt hurt. However, the situation deteriorated again because of the fact that my husband had been jobless for well over three years - with no unemployment benefit whatsoever - and because of our financial situation. The result was that as long as my husband was dependent on me, and being absolutely worshipped by the children, I could not ask him to leave. This was in August.

I was sent to Africa again in September, very intense work; while there, took some time off again, wonderful! However, things deteriorated even more when I came back, moneywise. My friend stopped writing to me. His wife had read one of my texts and gave him hell. Depression caught up on me, that was when I started wondering about blogging. My husband had finally accepted the idea of divorcing, but with Christmas nearing, we decided to go on a truce. The three weeks I stayed at home were almost dreamlike - steaming sex, no arguments, more sex - and he found himself a job at the start of the new year, a short-term with the hope of signing a contract next June. Moneywise, things are still very difficult. We are completely broke.

Now, one year later, I feel we have become friends again, if not completely husband and wife - the love is definitely gone for me. We are still not divorced. He does not communicate much, but I have the feeling he is hoping that with a new job things will ease up, and we will stay together. We are like best friends in our good moments, we have brought up three wonderful children, but we have been hurting each other, the children have not seen me happy in a very long time. At worst, they cannot remember their mom as a happy person, what image do they have of me?

I am fed up with the waiting. I would like my life to move on. I can only hope that we will behave like responsible adults, stay friends and manage amicably.

I am determined to make it happen.