The Adventurer



Ben Kozel, Adventurer

 After my unsuccessful encounters with men on a dating site, one profile tickled my fancy.  It basically said, among other things: “I’m an adventurer, I like a woman who appreciates my cooking”.  I immediately replied something along the lines: “Is your cooking so terrible that women tend to dislike it?” and our mail exchange lasted for 2 months.  Just as me, he was very careful not to disclose too much about himself.  His answers were somehow short and imprecise, but I liked him.

We chatted a couple of times and discovered that we both had a very high sex drive.  He told me we better get our hands off each other when we meet.  We finally met in the mountains for lunch on a Saturday.  The idea, as I had understood it, was to have lunch at the restaurant, then go for a hike with his dogs and for a professional massage. 

We went for a hike with the dogs, beautiful weather, very pleasant talk, he’s a quiet man, who likes to be in charge, slightly chauvinistic, who has been around a lot. We both enjoyed talking about the places we had been.  I could feel the man is like a bear, rough outside, but rather sensitive inside.  It seemed we clicked, or I felt good in his company.

It turned out that the massage session was not planned with professionals…. My misunderstanding.  We did have it, and a little more.  It was getting hot and steamy, but he stopped before it went too far.  Just could not do it.  Then, we opened a bottle of champagne and listened to music.  We started cooking and had a very nice dinner.  Since I had drunk too much to drive, he invited me to stay over.  We sat on the couch talking until it was his time to go to sleep.  I finally shared his bed, we “crossed a few lines” as he said, but nothing too serious.

Next day, on my way home, many questions crossed my mind.  I felt he was still very raw from his recent separation and not at all ready for a relationship.  Where did a lover fit in?  Nowhere, not now.  He must have put his profile on the dating site for reassurance, met a few ladies online, but from what I gathered, I was the only one he met for real.

We exchanged a few more messages.  I told him that I was happy to have met him, that I was going to close my profile.  He replied he would do the same and stop talking to the other ladies, but that he had been thinking too and basically, we both needed to take care of domestic issues before we could think of meeting again.  His job was taking up all his time, for all I know he is somewhere on another continent at the moment and I do not know when/if he will contact me again, but most probably not before September…..

All this waiting and hoping had me rather frustrated one lonely Sunday, I was asking myself if all this was worth the while, suddenly my phone rang, it was a chain message I had sent around in 2009, "you are an angel!"    I was under shock!  No one had sent this message, the phone rang with this message on.  Holly sh*t!  I was crying! And grateful!  So, I am convinced that this is the man...  and I'm turning into bloody Penelope!

P.S. The picture above is not a picture of my Adventurer.

One year....

Just out of curiousity, I checked my site meter  after posting again, you are still there, it's been almost a year...  I'm still thinking of you and wonder how you are faring.  Are you happy now?  Has your life improved? Have some of your dreams come true?  I hope and wish so, because you deserve it, you sweet man!

Dating?

My inspiration for writing seems to have gone for the moment.  No time to concentrate on it either.  I do have quite a lot on my plate, taking care of judgmental children, seeking an apartment, paying bills, having nightmares about all the things that need to be fixed in my life, etc.

Thankfully, I have a bunch of online friends, old and new, who make my days brighter. Blooging is such a rewarding experience!  

Recently I put my profile on a dating site.  Am I too picky, or are there only boring men seeking a partner? Are dating sites mostly for people having problems meeting someone in real life? Are they for people looking for easy sex?  I feel so naive, and so reluctant to go through all this trouble.... So, I had a first date with a tiny guy - not really my type - two weeks ago, I was surprised that it went rather well.  "I do not look for an affair, my life is too complicated at the moment, I am looking for friends and see what happens... Do you have your own flat?", that's what he told me and I could not agree more, but why should he ask about my flat? I should have reacted immediately. To summarize, we decided to go to an outdoor music festival, but he ditched me the day before because he had had sex with someone else.  And I happened to bump into him, among the huge crowd, and he acted like an asshole....  Thank god, he was not my style and we only met once.... But this makes me realize that maybe I'm not ready for this...  Life is already too difficult at the moment, and maybe I should just take care of myself, be happy and not look for anyone for the time being...  I feel puzzled... Yet, I wish to meet nice people who could become friends and maybe more... Why is it so difficult?

Now, I started to take Cuban salsa lessons, which is something I'm looking forward to every week.  I am planning my holidays, with my best friend, for July and started visiting apartments.  I have been waiting so long for things to happen and yet maybe I need to work more on myself and then things will move my way, but time is flying by and I have the feeling things are not moving.  

All this sounds pretty negative, but I'm not down, I'm just hoping. That is what the psychologist my son visited told me, when I found out about the manipulative behaviour of my husband, it is becoming a mantra:

DO NOT LET ANYONE DIM YOUR INNER SUN!

Spring Sun

Eyes closed, offered to your splendour

Naked skin, caressed by your heat

Moaning, sighing, enchanted by your gift

Languorously nurtured, warmed, and bedazzled

Needing, loving, yearning for you

Possessed at dawn, noon, and in the crimson hours

Core opening under your exquisite glow

Heart beats, life awakens, petals open

Mind wanders, dreams flow, hope blossoms

For Desire

Away for a hug

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I'm away for the day, flying over the sea for a hug.  We shall see what happens...

It was a beautiful hug, an intense hug, but only a hug.  

Life circumstances and the distance made us realise more was impossible.  

We shall remain friends, if that is at all possible.  

You know you are very dear and special to me.

There is beauty in the world

I haven't posted in a while, too busy, very emotional, lacking sleep, but life seems to be smiling at me these days!  I know this is a completely cheezy post, but there are days like this when you feel like under the influence of some illicit drugs or weeds, lol!  So be it!

You start dying

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You start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself.

You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.

You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths...
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours
Or you do not speak to those you don't know.

You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.

You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice..."

Pablo Neruda

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

Life is taking a turn.  We told the children about our decision to divorce. Contrary to what my husband was expecting, there was no drama.  The children were relieved.  The atmosphere became breathable again.  I took a whole week away from home (see my latest HNT). I had the pleasure to meet each of my children for lunch and get their feedback and thoughts.  It looks like their dear father is not that ideal after all, which in some way comforts me.  I'm not the only bad guy in the story. 


During that time alone, I allowed myself some reflection and I came to the conclusion that I was doing the best thing for everyone, including my husband.  Yet, when I came home to discover the house had undergone a post-nuclear war treatment and that he had moved to the basement, I could not prevent tears from welling up.  Over 20 years of common life, sharing the same bed, waking up in each other's arms or at least cuddling or just being there.  The very bed where all three children have been conceived. Now it is over,  like something is missing...  This is what I wanted, this is what I was thriving for, what I have inflicted on my husband, it is brutal even if I was longing for it.  I can see the pain in his eyes, he feels so helpless...

 I believe that what we get out of life is what we’ve set ourselves up to get, so there’s no such thing as an inconsequential decision. Our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we’ve made along the way, which is why it’s imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. Don’t let anyone else’s noise drown it out.– Megan McCafferty

Don’t let the mistakes and disappointments of the past control and direct your future. – Zig Ziglar

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all. – Rita Mae Brown

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.– C.S. Lewis

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it– ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing. -Ayn Rand

Maybe it is time for me to go on a dating site?

Moments

Pain, Fear, Anxiety, Ambulances, Hospitals, Doctors

Expectations, Questioning, Reassurance,

Relief, Medicine, Breakdown, Rest,

Responsibilities, Being Strong,

Facing the Truth, Arguing, Anger, Grief, Promises,

Crying, Distress, Needing Help,

Understanding, Sharing Worries, Feeling Relieved,

Friendship, Love, Hope?

Friendship, Love, Hope…

H O P E!

Spring

It is Spring again, birds are singing and building nests, trees and plants are blossoming, bees are buzzing, and I am constantly aroused.  I want sex, raw sex.  I am horny as hell, I have these images in my mind, of passionate lovemaking and I am going crazy, craving sex.  I feel like a horny bitch or a predator, a couguar.

Yet, I am behaving or almost.  Five weeks without sex.  Yet since my return we have not had that much sex or if we had, it was...  so so.  Poor hubby! I feel so unfair to him. He has offered  me an 8" dildoe.  I have always dreamt of a big dick, but this one almost hurt. I guess I have to get used to it.  So why are we back to before Christmas?  I cannot explain.  I guess we are not on the same wavelength anymore, more blatantly than ever.  We had expectations, but different ones it seems.  Both feeling disappointed by one another.  Is this the sign that we definitely need to take action and reach a decision? 

There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. When things change, people change. There’s a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone trying to fix things, but it’s not giving up, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts.

It is certainly time for me to reach such a decision; and I already have done something in that direction.  I have "misbehaved", I had my first camsex and it was amazing!  Is that cheating?  It probably is, but I did not feel like it.  He made me feel beautiful and wonderful.  He was totally in control and I loved it.  I have read somewhere that strong women need to feel dominated sometimes. They need to let go and let someone else be in control.  It is not that I call myself a strong women, but I am the one in charge, so what a wonderful feeling it was just to let someone tell me what to do, in a very gentle but firm way.  And I want more.

My social life and my self-esteem are next to zero, yet on two occasions, I went to a restaurant, and both times, men came to me and told me how terrific I looked. I felt like a queen and am grateful.  So, now I want to feel on top of the world.  And I want more.

Hubby had found a job (the first in 4 years), unfortunately, after three months, he was jobless again, due to a decision further up in the hierarchy, nothing to do with his performance.  So, we are in a dead-end street again, no projects, no alternative other than networking and hoping he gets another opportunity. We had both decided to wait until he had put some money aside for him to be able to move out, and eventually filing for a divorce.  Now we are both bitter, he feels like a total looser, and I end up thinking he is one.  What is the solution?  Will he end up in depression or will he try by all means to find any job?  Is he a strong person or a complete looser?  Am I selfish if I don't care anymore, and decide to fend for myself and try to be happy and start a new life for what is left of it?  I want more!  I want to get my sexy back. I wish to get loved properly again. I wish to be able to share my passions with someone who cares.  I wish to go lighthearted ahead and achieve things that I always wanted to achieve.  I just want to live.  And this is what I'm going to do even if it means I shall be naughty.

I know I sound very upset and unfair to hubby, but I can't see the end of the tunnel, yet I have a choice, but the children workship their father so much, I am the bad guy in this story or so it seems to me.  What do you think?  Should I go ahead and take whatever comes my way and just cut loose?  Or should I give hubby another chance and see if he manages to find himself a job (I have been waiting for 4 years now).  We spoke about divorce last August, which was almost a year ago.  I have been extremely patient since, but now I am on the verge of breaking down. 

My best friend called me this morning.  She just broke up with her boyfriend, after a 10 year relationship. Within two weeks, he met someone else on a dating website.  She feels great.  She proposed me to go out and have fun, take dance lessons and spend some nice time together.  Actually, this is exactly what I need.  So, this is what I'm going to do in the coming weeks.  Hubby will not like it, but better have a wifey who has fun and is in good spirits than a nasty, bitter, frustrated bitch at home.  Let's see what happens...

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Fly Me To The Moon

Hello Darling,


How was your week-end in your faraway country?  On Saturday, we had great weather. No pressure, prepared a cake listening to music, belly danced when my son told me "mum, you look perfectly ridiculous, are you having a mid-life criris or what?" "No, darling, I'm just happy and don't give a damn about what you are thinking!" Poor thing, he just doesn't remember me in my happy days, the real me, a very long time ago!


Today again, a perfect day and woke up with this old Frank Sinatra song in my head, don't know where it came from.


Fly me to the moon
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On jupiter and mars


In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me


Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore


In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you


What would they say if I took some belly dance, or lap dance, or even pole dance lessons? I would just love to see their faces! Ha ! they would think I've gone crazy!


And then I think of us, of a perfect day together, next to the ocean, in a Zanzibar-style thatched-roof house, in a huge bed with a mosquito net around it. The breeze flies in through the terrace window. Some nice music playing, not too loud, and we lie on the bed. I massage you with some exotic scented oil, first your legs, your feet and your calfs, then your chunky black buttocks and your back, all along your spine and your shoulders, your neck, your arms. Doesn't that feel wonderful? Then you turn around and I splash some oil on my breasts and my stomach, and gently rub your magnificent dark skin with my body, MMMMMhhhhhhh! Nice, can you feel it?


You moan and kiss me with you gentle lips and caress my breasts, sweet tender kiss, becoming more and more passionate, I feel you becoming hard. I gently put my lips around the tip of you dick and lick it around and around, then go down along the shaft and take it all in my mouth, deepthroating you until you moan. How does it feel? I come back to your lips and suck your tongue, I inhale your breath and lock my eyes into yours. You caress my thighs and insert your fingers inside me, I am so tight, yet so wet and I cannot resist moving my hips up and down becoming completely breathless. I want to lick you all over, this is so good, I come down on you, slowly insert the tip of your cock inside me, and move my hips like a belly dancer, round and round, just a few inches, almost out again, and slowly inside again, start to moan very loudly and suddenly take you all inside of me. You whisper how good it feels, and I start again. I move up an down, our hands entangled, lick your neck, your ear, can feel goose bumps, your chest, suck your breasts, your lips, My lips feel all swollen, electrified. You roll me over, spread my legs apart and lick me, I lean towards you and take your cock into my mouth while caressing your balls. You then take me side-wise, my thigh on your hip, insert your rock hard dick into my slippery slit and caress my breasts as I pinch your nipples, moving my hips so that you feel my inside at different angles and every inch of it, I squeeze you more with each thrust, it drives you wild, I start to cry and pant. This makes you groan and grind even harder! We cum together, can you feel my inside pulsating? Can you be as loud as me? I look at you all the time because this is bliss. And then you take me in your arms, kiss my neck and we slip into unconsciousness, our bodies entangled, feeling so relaxed and good together. Oh this is so wonderful. I wish this could be true, HHHHMMMMM!!!!! What does it do to you?
And now fly me to the moon, tatata la la la la la le la la!

I love you beautiful darling! And I don't care if I'm crazy!

Happily back

Yes, I'm back home after 5 days grounded in Bangkok because of the volcanic eruption.


The first two days, our airline told us not to come to the airport, since all flights to Europe had been cancelled. We were told to regularly check our airline's website. They offered us one night in a 5* hotel. On the third day, regular flights had resumed. A wake-up call at 6 a.m. and we - about 1000 people - went to the airport as early as 8 a.m. to start queuing to get on a waiting list for the first flight to leave at noon. However, priority was given to regular passengers, then to first class, business class, Gold and Silver card holders and eventually, about half a dozen were randomly called to board the plane. There was no logic as to whom would board the plane. The procedure was repeated three times until past midnight, when we all went back to the hotel - for those who could still afford a hotel, a lot of people slept at the airport on the floor. After this first day of hope, a lot of people got angry because of lack of information.

The next day, the whole procedure was repeated. A significant number of people managed to leave on various flights that day. Around midnight, we were told that on Wednesdays, the airline did not fly to/from Bangkok, but that they would exceptionally send an empty aircraft to come and get those stranded people who had not managed to find a seat on a regular flight. So, this is how I managed to come back home.

In the meantime, the Red Shirts have demonstrated and people were killed. Travellers are advised not to come to Thailand for the time being.

I did not have time to blog nor to read much, so what a surprise when I checked my blog and discovered I had 25 followers! Wow! I'm feeling proud that people are actually interested in what I write. A big welcome to you and thank you for having left comments. There is more to come about my travels, with pictures I took, I hope you will continue enjoying my posts.

A special mention to those who chatted with me while I was feeling lonely, thank you so much for your warm words and your concern.

Under Foreign Skies

Travelling, for me, can be quite a sensual experience. I am always thrilled by the first breath I inhale when I step out of the plane. Like an animal, I sniff the air and try to analyse and define what comes through my nostrils. It can be quite surprising sometimes as it is the scent of flowers or spices, rather than just the smell of dirt. When I came back to Africa last year, I recognised the very peculiar perfume of the African grass although we were miles away from the savannah, and then I heard the birds’ songs and I knew I was back on my favourite continent.

I also look at the sky. The sky is very different if you are in Stockholm or in the Masai Mara. I have never seen a clearer sky than in the Mara, it is crystal clear, pristine, as it were one of the first days of the world. When you live in a city, where the sky is blurred by pollution, by city lights at night, it does not come to your mind to watch the sky, apart from watching the starts or the moon, why would you?


If you are lucky, you hear the sounds of nature - bush or savannah, or even desert - which is in fact very quiet. Animals are quiet most of the time, apart from birds. Human beings are the loudest of all species. Annoyingly loud! In an African capital, the priest of the Orthodox Church would start to pray on the microphone from 3.30 to 5.30 a.m. every morning for two weeks. It turned out that according to their calendar, Easter started two weeks earlier than ours, something difficult to adapt to when you have to get up early and work 14 days in a row. The lion roars in the gardens of the King’s Palace next door, or the bray of rutting female donkeys at night, in the slums next door, sounded like music to our ears.


The landscapes and the colours are the most powerful first impressions. Then I look at the people, at their features¸ their clothes, the way they interact. What strikes me is that people often smile, much more than here in Europe. It seems to me that we have lost that connection, we are all so busy, serious, arrogant and grumpy. We thrive under stress, so full of our own importance, becoming upset when we are not getting what we are asking for at once. We don’t smile so much anymore. And I realise that the notion of time changes depending on where you are, North or South. Time seems to be elastic!


When you travel, ideally you open up to the world and absorb it through all your senses. If you are receptive, it is an incredible lesson of life. You have to accept less comfort, a simpler life, sometimes without electricity and/or water, different food, new spices - another incredibly sensual, almost orgasmic experience - different habits, behaviours, values, or even taboos. It always humbles me.


It makes me live several lives. One time, I am a 6 year old girl walking barefoot on the red dirt road going to school in a torn uniform, my hair pleated, sharing the classroom with children of different grades, with no lunch because the school doesn’t have enough money to feed us at noon. But I do not complain because I learn to read and I will become educated maybe until I am 12, with some luck until I graduate. My mother wakes up at 4.30 a.m. to fetch water from the river, and wood for fuel, an hour or more away from home. She has to be careful with the hyenas that come scavenging into the village at night.

Another time, I am a 23 year old policeman who bribes the owners of small shops selling cheap ethnic paraphernalia to tourists. I have to sustain the whole family since my father was put into jail for some obscure reason. I also sell fake billion dollar bills to tourist, that is how bad the inflation hit the country. I have another job at night, but I don’t want to talk about it.

I am that teenage girl, who was genitally mutilated at 13, who was forced into a marriage with a man 25 years older than her, but who run away from home, and now lives in a centre where she learns to become self-reliant and finishes school.

I am looking forward to travelling again, it is an exhilarating experience. I do feel completely elated.

One year later

Exactly one year ago, on Valentine’s day, I took the decision to divorce. I was angry, depressed, but determined. Almost paralyzed by a serious lumbago, stuck in bed for a week reading was my only occupation. My daughter had been offered the complete series of Twilight books for her birthday, being in a period of self-pitying, I left myself sink into the drama and came to realize that maybe I would never again be able to experience such intense feelings, which made me utterly depressed. Where had the love gone after such a long marriage? Was my life going to continue like this, in a routine from which feelings of love and belonging had disappeared, where we only stayed together because of the children? With a non existent sex life? With endless frustration and frequent arguments? I was slowly dying.

I took the decision to change things in a way that would make me take a different direction. Once my back stopped killing me, I started exercising again and watched my diet. In less than three months, the scale indicated a drastic weight loss and I slowly regained some self-confidence, feeling a lot sexier. Fortunately, in late March I was sent to Africa, where I worked for two full weeks, followed by another two weeks of holiday. At this point in my life, these are the only moments when I am really happy and completely myself.

My trip was wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to meet a friend I had not seen in three years and it was great. I felt appreciated and easygoing. What a booster for my ego.

When I came back, my husband must have felt a change, we made love for the first time in over two years. My friend kept writing to me and our messages became more and more intense. I was addicted to his mails, we also texted. I felt happy for the first time in years and more determined than ever to divorce. I went for some legal counseling. Things were not going to be simple, moneywise especially. I informed my husband of my intention to divorce. I took him completely by surprise, he felt hurt. However, the situation deteriorated again because of the fact that my husband had been jobless for well over three years - with no unemployment benefit whatsoever - and because of our financial situation. The result was that as long as my husband was dependent on me, and being absolutely worshipped by the children, I could not ask him to leave. This was in August.

I was sent to Africa again in September, very intense work; while there, took some time off again, wonderful! However, things deteriorated even more when I came back, moneywise. My friend stopped writing to me. His wife had read one of my texts and gave him hell. Depression caught up on me, that was when I started wondering about blogging. My husband had finally accepted the idea of divorcing, but with Christmas nearing, we decided to go on a truce. The three weeks I stayed at home were almost dreamlike - steaming sex, no arguments, more sex - and he found himself a job at the start of the new year, a short-term with the hope of signing a contract next June. Moneywise, things are still very difficult. We are completely broke.

Now, one year later, I feel we have become friends again, if not completely husband and wife - the love is definitely gone for me. We are still not divorced. He does not communicate much, but I have the feeling he is hoping that with a new job things will ease up, and we will stay together. We are like best friends in our good moments, we have brought up three wonderful children, but we have been hurting each other, the children have not seen me happy in a very long time. At worst, they cannot remember their mom as a happy person, what image do they have of me?

I am fed up with the waiting. I would like my life to move on. I can only hope that we will behave like responsible adults, stay friends and manage amicably.

I am determined to make it happen.