Not TMI Tuesday

It is not a TMI Tuesday, but this post is a nice transition to my next post.

In the Summertime

1. What is your favorite summer clothing item or outfit?

A very colourful sleeveless cotton top with a deep cleavage, and short pants, or a bikini.

2. Did you or will you take a summer vacation? If yes, where did you go?
   
I went to Ireland with my best friend.  The first three days were freezing cold, and I had to wear five  layers of clothes and get some rubber boots.  But it soon became warmer and we even had beautiful sunny days.  And lots of Guinness, traditional Irish music, delicious seafood, and more golden red beer, and hysterical laughters :)

3. What is your ideal weekend away (e.g. city, beach or wilderness)?

Can I choose beach and wilderness?  I know I can be a pain!  Playing Robinson Crusoe with my personnal Adventurer?

4. What would you pack for a naughty weekend?

Are you still asking?  LOL  Some sexy transparent nighties, sexy lingerie, sex toys, massage oil, camera... 

5. What item(s) do you never unpack, never take out of the luggage from trip to trip?

Condoms!  Tropical medicines, thankfully, apart from one occasion, I was never sick.

Bonus: Last vacation sex… Tell us what happened

Well, that was last October and I wrote about it here, here, here, here, here and finally there!!!

This questions were submitted by Heelsnstocking.

America - Horse with no name

Today, I happened to stumble upon a video of America's famous hit.  

I was about 15 and just loved this song.

Dating?

My inspiration for writing seems to have gone for the moment.  No time to concentrate on it either.  I do have quite a lot on my plate, taking care of judgmental children, seeking an apartment, paying bills, having nightmares about all the things that need to be fixed in my life, etc.

Thankfully, I have a bunch of online friends, old and new, who make my days brighter. Blooging is such a rewarding experience!  

Recently I put my profile on a dating site.  Am I too picky, or are there only boring men seeking a partner? Are dating sites mostly for people having problems meeting someone in real life? Are they for people looking for easy sex?  I feel so naive, and so reluctant to go through all this trouble.... So, I had a first date with a tiny guy - not really my type - two weeks ago, I was surprised that it went rather well.  "I do not look for an affair, my life is too complicated at the moment, I am looking for friends and see what happens... Do you have your own flat?", that's what he told me and I could not agree more, but why should he ask about my flat? I should have reacted immediately. To summarize, we decided to go to an outdoor music festival, but he ditched me the day before because he had had sex with someone else.  And I happened to bump into him, among the huge crowd, and he acted like an asshole....  Thank god, he was not my style and we only met once.... But this makes me realize that maybe I'm not ready for this...  Life is already too difficult at the moment, and maybe I should just take care of myself, be happy and not look for anyone for the time being...  I feel puzzled... Yet, I wish to meet nice people who could become friends and maybe more... Why is it so difficult?

Now, I started to take Cuban salsa lessons, which is something I'm looking forward to every week.  I am planning my holidays, with my best friend, for July and started visiting apartments.  I have been waiting so long for things to happen and yet maybe I need to work more on myself and then things will move my way, but time is flying by and I have the feeling things are not moving.  

All this sounds pretty negative, but I'm not down, I'm just hoping. That is what the psychologist my son visited told me, when I found out about the manipulative behaviour of my husband, it is becoming a mantra:

DO NOT LET ANYONE DIM YOUR INNER SUN!

It is spring again!

First, I seem to have gained quite a few new followers lately, let me wish you a warm welcome on my blog!  Just one missing to reach a hundred!  Hehe! Such an achievement! Almost unbelievable! And please don't hesitate to leave comments, they are always welcome.

Spring is back and it is wonderful, my favourite season, I think.  Birds are chirping in the morning when I wake up, building nests during the daytime and chirping again when I come home from work. Spring is light yellow in colour, forsythias being the first bushes to blossom, along with  primeroses.  Small violets show their tiny blue faces on the lawn; and magniolia trees slowly turn into cream and pink.  We are switching to summer time tonight.   

It's seemed such a long winter this year, feeling like being in limbo forever!  It's soon time again for me to pack my suitcase as I will be flying to Central America in two weeks!  Looking forward to equatorial heat, happy sigh!  :) 14 days of continuous work, then one week of vacation, hopefully in Costa Rica.  

I hope to be able to listen to some salsa music and maybe visit a club.  I have decided to go back to dance classes this year and learn Cuban style salsa, as well as the sensual bachata.  As one says, a man who can dance, move his hips and body in a sensual way vertically, may well be a very good dancer horizontally as well, right?  I can confirm!

For those of you who have been following my life since a year or so, I have decided to leave.  I will find myself a place on my own and leave hubby and the children, contrary to what I had wished when hubby and I separated.  It seems that for the time being, I'm unable to handle three rebel teenagers and for everybody's sake, the best solution really is for me to take some distance to be able to overcome depression and break negative viscious circles.  I tried to handle my children, but they are so prejudiced against me, that for my own sanity, it is better to let go.  Maybe later things will be easier, maybe we all need to go through a family therapy, but this will have to be done after hubby has had further surgery and recovered.  I have very mixed feelings about his recovery.  I wonder if he has the mental strength and the positive attitude to recover properly. We shall see.

I have also opened a profile on a dating site recently, so far nothing interesting. It looks like men in general are looking for younger women, sometimes indecently younger women, some are really old ugly men, and then younger men are also looking for younger women and wishing to have children. I am speaking of men about 5 to 10 years younger than me. Where do I fit in?

What I came to realise these last few months is that to feel complete, you do not need to be in a relationship - I have had a lover and friend with whom I have shared a lot of great and unique moments, but I had to accept to let him go. You have to feel your are being yourself and be happy with who you are, with your flaws and strengths. The combination of these strenghts and flaws is what makes you unique, and the fact that you are at peace with whom you are, that you accept the very person you are. As long as you keep looking for someone, especially someone to bring you happiness, you won't find it. Happiness is within you, it is a way of life, not an aim in itself. So, I'm trying to be that person that has always existed deep inside, but for some reason, was unable to be herself completely, to blossom and shine. It is never too late, and I hope she will shine this year and more and more so. I know, I may sound very naïve, as if this was something that I have just discovered, whereas it is obvious to most people. I always knew it, but never managed to make it happen.

And I also wish to all of you that you find this wonderful person within yourselves.

Life is too short

I should probably read this every day!

Ok!  This end/beginning of year period has been difficult - AGAIN!! - three persons down with pneumonia, hubby ending at hospital in need of immediate surgery.... and going back for more in a few months....  My 16 year old son thinks he can quit school and stay at home for ever...(not even in his wildest dreams! Snort!)  I'm not going to whine, I've done enough!    I'm OK, trying to take everything with a distance, but it's not easy.

Two good news:  I have a new camera, which I should test this week-end....  and I will be away next week-end, visiting a friend abroad.  A well deserved break,  some fresh air and probably rain, but who cares? Some nice chats, photo sessions, dancing, and a lot of improvisation... Happy sigh!   Can't wait!

And, I've reached 90 followers!  YAY!

Being a woman

When I went to primary school in the suburbs of a north-eastern French city, my grand-mother would sometimes pick me up and, on our way home, we would stop at the cobbler's. The shop was old-fashioned, a little bit like in a Norman Rockwell illustration, or rather a Robert Doisneau picture, with piles of shoes and a strong odour of glue.

I liked going there, because the cobblers' wife, or so I assumed, was a brunette in her 30's, with tight clothes revealing large, nice breasts, enhanced by a bra that would make them look like bombshells under a pearl necklace. She had a thin waist, always wore tulip shaped skirts, seemed stockings, stiletto shoes, and very red nail polish and lipstick. The quintessence of feminity.

Edward D'Ancona pin-up

I was between 6 and 10, still very innocent, but I sensed that she was a very pretty woman, a sexy woman, although I did not know much about sex. The heady smell of glue mingled with the sight of her used to make me dizzy in a strange way. Above all, I loved her breasts, I liked the contrast between her thin waist and her large breasts, I remember staring at her breasts and thinking "when I grow old, I want the same". I had a confused idea that men liked breasts and therefore, as a woman I wanted to have nice breasts so that men would look at me, and touch my breasts! Yes, at that age, I came to this conclusion!

She was the only woman who made me feel this way, I don't know why, obviously she had a lot of sex appeal. She is the woman who made me think about me being a girl, about the power of a woman's body.  It made me feel  proud to be a woman, because I would be attractive and I would bear children, which in my mind was a wonderful gift, even if I would have to suffer from menstruating, birth giving, breastfeeding, and all that goes with womanhood. So, I never complained about being a woman, I am proud to be a woman. I had many lovers, I am proud of my body, it still makes heads turn, it gave me three beautiful children, it gives me a lot of pleasure. It gives us a lot of power.

Women are just so beautuful!

Life is happening

Kassandra - The Smell of Autumn

The wheel is turning, life is happening. It seems so much has happened lately and is about to happen soon, that.... I'm completely exhausted but getting happier by the day!

First of all, I seem to have new followers. I am surprised that people actually read me LOL! Even if I have not posted anything recently. Welcome to my little world, my new followers. I'm smiling!

Then, my husband is moving out this week-end. We are separated! It is becoming official... What do I feel? Actually, I'm not exhilarated, I'm not sad, I have been waiting for this for such a long time, that I actually don't feel anything. I guess I haven't realized yet, it has to sink in. The backlash is that there is a certain number of issues that need to be discussed with the children as I am the "monster" and I seemingly have to pay for it. We shall see how things work out. It is not going to be easy.

In the meantime, I have not had much rest because of 14 days of on-going work, followed by a week-end spent in Italy with my art class in Milan and Pavia. I need to sleep!

If you read my last post, things have evolved too. I spent a few hours overseas to meet in person someone very special I met online. As I said, it was a very special and intense hug, but things seemed too complicated at first, yet after some in-depth discussion, they should work out very nicely. I don't want to say too much now, but we have plans to meet again. I hope to be able to post about our first few hours together soon. It made me so happy! The distance and our personal circumstances, as I mentioned in my last post, do not make it easy, but we crave each other's company so much that we want to meet again soon! Oh, I'm sooo looking forward to that much needed warm, affectionate, tender hug, my dear! And sharing masses of TLC, I can't wait!

So, life is happening at last, I'm taking one thing at a time and appreciate all the positive vibes that are coming my way, thanks to a few friends I have close by, but also to some lovely people I met online across the world, you know who you are, especially you, my Fairy!

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

Life is taking a turn.  We told the children about our decision to divorce. Contrary to what my husband was expecting, there was no drama.  The children were relieved.  The atmosphere became breathable again.  I took a whole week away from home (see my latest HNT). I had the pleasure to meet each of my children for lunch and get their feedback and thoughts.  It looks like their dear father is not that ideal after all, which in some way comforts me.  I'm not the only bad guy in the story. 


During that time alone, I allowed myself some reflection and I came to the conclusion that I was doing the best thing for everyone, including my husband.  Yet, when I came home to discover the house had undergone a post-nuclear war treatment and that he had moved to the basement, I could not prevent tears from welling up.  Over 20 years of common life, sharing the same bed, waking up in each other's arms or at least cuddling or just being there.  The very bed where all three children have been conceived. Now it is over,  like something is missing...  This is what I wanted, this is what I was thriving for, what I have inflicted on my husband, it is brutal even if I was longing for it.  I can see the pain in his eyes, he feels so helpless...

 I believe that what we get out of life is what we’ve set ourselves up to get, so there’s no such thing as an inconsequential decision. Our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we’ve made along the way, which is why it’s imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. Don’t let anyone else’s noise drown it out.– Megan McCafferty

Don’t let the mistakes and disappointments of the past control and direct your future. – Zig Ziglar

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all. – Rita Mae Brown

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.– C.S. Lewis

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it– ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing. -Ayn Rand

Maybe it is time for me to go on a dating site?

Things I'd like to change...

You saw my latest post about having a bad day, well actually, it is like several bad days, and I was planning to do some very nice things, here.  I did nothing, but stay in bed with a kidney infection, taking antibiotics, and crying, crying and more crying.  A real anxiety attack!  Since my husband now admitted he is in depression and should go on a therapy, it seems the strong me has started to crumble.  I felt completely empty with no taste for anything but sleep. And slept, comatose sleep, feeling even more empty.  Now, in my self pitty, I read some blogs, which made me feel even more useless.  Saw some really gorgeous bloggers and thought, I should stop blooging out of disgust for being so unglorious!

Feeling like a freak

(Erik Keller - Wundertkammer006)

   

 

I would like to fly
(tumbler)


 

The body I would like to have, but which one?
(tumbler)

The butt I would like to have (tumbler)

How sexy I would like to be (tumbler)

The complicity I would like to have with my partner (tumbler)

One of the moments I would like to share with someone (tumbler)

Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl who believed in fairytales (tumbler)

But than I read the side-effects of the antibiotics....

"I feel like Ive been living in a consistent state of suspension. Like I’m just hovering between things, nothing grounding me, nothing pulling me in any direction. Just floating from one day to the next with no structure to help distinguish days. Sometimes this feeling is exciting and freeing, other times, this feeling makes me feel lonely and lost." (tumbler)

....and what do I read:  depression!!!  WTF!!!  No wonder!  I'm not that sort of girl! Damn! Will go back to the doctor's and complain!

So, tomorrow, back to work.

Happily back

Yes, I'm back home after 5 days grounded in Bangkok because of the volcanic eruption.


The first two days, our airline told us not to come to the airport, since all flights to Europe had been cancelled. We were told to regularly check our airline's website. They offered us one night in a 5* hotel. On the third day, regular flights had resumed. A wake-up call at 6 a.m. and we - about 1000 people - went to the airport as early as 8 a.m. to start queuing to get on a waiting list for the first flight to leave at noon. However, priority was given to regular passengers, then to first class, business class, Gold and Silver card holders and eventually, about half a dozen were randomly called to board the plane. There was no logic as to whom would board the plane. The procedure was repeated three times until past midnight, when we all went back to the hotel - for those who could still afford a hotel, a lot of people slept at the airport on the floor. After this first day of hope, a lot of people got angry because of lack of information.

The next day, the whole procedure was repeated. A significant number of people managed to leave on various flights that day. Around midnight, we were told that on Wednesdays, the airline did not fly to/from Bangkok, but that they would exceptionally send an empty aircraft to come and get those stranded people who had not managed to find a seat on a regular flight. So, this is how I managed to come back home.

In the meantime, the Red Shirts have demonstrated and people were killed. Travellers are advised not to come to Thailand for the time being.

I did not have time to blog nor to read much, so what a surprise when I checked my blog and discovered I had 25 followers! Wow! I'm feeling proud that people are actually interested in what I write. A big welcome to you and thank you for having left comments. There is more to come about my travels, with pictures I took, I hope you will continue enjoying my posts.

A special mention to those who chatted with me while I was feeling lonely, thank you so much for your warm words and your concern.

Emergency VIP Treatment

If you read the international news, you may know that the Red Shirts have been trying to get the former exiled Prime Minister of Thailand, expelled from the Government on charges of corruption, back since 2008. Every week-end, demonstrations are organised, and this week-end, some 60,000 people invaded the commercial and tourist centre of the city, stopping all traffic. The police have blocked the area to avoid accidents, and the demonstrators have been singing and talking since early this Saturday morning. All major shopping centres have been closed. Tourists are advised not to leave their hotels.


We were working in the Conference Centre within a huge shopping mall for 14 days, crossing the road every day from our hotel opposite the Conference Centre to get to work. At noon, today, the organisers of the conference evacuated us from our hotel by bus, getting out through the backside door and driving us around the area for 20 minutes to be transferred to the 5 star hotel above the Conference Centre, just opposite from where we stayed. Our rooms are paid by the organisers. I am located on the 36th floor with a superb view on the tennis court and the swimming pool on the 12th floor terrace, the surrounding buildings and a temple. The mass of demonstrators is impressive, they look like ants from my window, and the square is dark with thousands of people dressed in red. After dinner at the very chic restaurant, we went for a drink to the 55th floor, which is the top of the tower with a breathtaking 360 degrees view of Bangkok. The wind was blowing, it was cool, and I am convinced the building was “moving”. I could not help but feel dizzy. I am from a small European city with no high-rise buildings, the highest tower must have maximum 12 floors. This was a treat, my pictures are unfortunately blurred because I did not have a tripod for long exposures. I still have butterflies in my stomach and my hair looks like I had some electric shocks from putting my fingers in the plug! It is late, we will be driven early tomorrow morning to the airport. I hope we will manage to get there in time. Most of my colleagues are flying back home, some of us are going on holidays in Cambodia or Vietnam.

Snapshots of Bangkok

It's been over a week since my arrival. I had two days of rest before starting to work and getting over the jetlag. My first aim was to visit the famous Wat Phra Keow, the Temple of the Emerald Buddha, one of the most beautiful and sacred temples of Thailand, situated near the royal palace. 


A boat trip on the Chao Phraya, the main river, took me to the smaller klongs (canals), to discover the older parts of Bangkok. However, nowadays more and more high-rise buildings are being constructed along the river banks. Only the very rich can afford to buy such condominiums.

A city of many contrasts, between the shrines and the old wooden houses - small quiet islands in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the city - the old tightly packed concrete buildings of the mid-20th century and the new towers and air train, like all capital cities of the world, Bangkok is a fast expanding, smog affected "ant-hill". Well, to me, living in a small European city with a lot of old buildings and no sky-scrapper at all, it is rather impressive to see all these humongous towers.


The conference and our offices are located on the 22nd floor, which is of the size of a very big football

field. And we are literally freezing! A few of my colleagues are on antibiotics because of infected throats and bronchitis, can you imagine! We are not used to air conditioning. The temperature outside is around 90 F and very humid. It is a shock every time we step out of the building. We are wearing scarves and sweaters to avoid getting sick, how silly! And we strip as soon as we leave the building and walk back to the hotel. (To be continued)

HNT

click

Will you follow me.......  to the moon?

Under Foreign Skies

Travelling, for me, can be quite a sensual experience. I am always thrilled by the first breath I inhale when I step out of the plane. Like an animal, I sniff the air and try to analyse and define what comes through my nostrils. It can be quite surprising sometimes as it is the scent of flowers or spices, rather than just the smell of dirt. When I came back to Africa last year, I recognised the very peculiar perfume of the African grass although we were miles away from the savannah, and then I heard the birds’ songs and I knew I was back on my favourite continent.

I also look at the sky. The sky is very different if you are in Stockholm or in the Masai Mara. I have never seen a clearer sky than in the Mara, it is crystal clear, pristine, as it were one of the first days of the world. When you live in a city, where the sky is blurred by pollution, by city lights at night, it does not come to your mind to watch the sky, apart from watching the starts or the moon, why would you?


If you are lucky, you hear the sounds of nature - bush or savannah, or even desert - which is in fact very quiet. Animals are quiet most of the time, apart from birds. Human beings are the loudest of all species. Annoyingly loud! In an African capital, the priest of the Orthodox Church would start to pray on the microphone from 3.30 to 5.30 a.m. every morning for two weeks. It turned out that according to their calendar, Easter started two weeks earlier than ours, something difficult to adapt to when you have to get up early and work 14 days in a row. The lion roars in the gardens of the King’s Palace next door, or the bray of rutting female donkeys at night, in the slums next door, sounded like music to our ears.


The landscapes and the colours are the most powerful first impressions. Then I look at the people, at their features¸ their clothes, the way they interact. What strikes me is that people often smile, much more than here in Europe. It seems to me that we have lost that connection, we are all so busy, serious, arrogant and grumpy. We thrive under stress, so full of our own importance, becoming upset when we are not getting what we are asking for at once. We don’t smile so much anymore. And I realise that the notion of time changes depending on where you are, North or South. Time seems to be elastic!


When you travel, ideally you open up to the world and absorb it through all your senses. If you are receptive, it is an incredible lesson of life. You have to accept less comfort, a simpler life, sometimes without electricity and/or water, different food, new spices - another incredibly sensual, almost orgasmic experience - different habits, behaviours, values, or even taboos. It always humbles me.


It makes me live several lives. One time, I am a 6 year old girl walking barefoot on the red dirt road going to school in a torn uniform, my hair pleated, sharing the classroom with children of different grades, with no lunch because the school doesn’t have enough money to feed us at noon. But I do not complain because I learn to read and I will become educated maybe until I am 12, with some luck until I graduate. My mother wakes up at 4.30 a.m. to fetch water from the river, and wood for fuel, an hour or more away from home. She has to be careful with the hyenas that come scavenging into the village at night.

Another time, I am a 23 year old policeman who bribes the owners of small shops selling cheap ethnic paraphernalia to tourists. I have to sustain the whole family since my father was put into jail for some obscure reason. I also sell fake billion dollar bills to tourist, that is how bad the inflation hit the country. I have another job at night, but I don’t want to talk about it.

I am that teenage girl, who was genitally mutilated at 13, who was forced into a marriage with a man 25 years older than her, but who run away from home, and now lives in a centre where she learns to become self-reliant and finishes school.

I am looking forward to travelling again, it is an exhilarating experience. I do feel completely elated.

HNT - The Dreamer

Dare to dream of far off lands,

Dream of deserts, covered in sand.

Dream of rainforests, trees high above

Dream of finding your one true love.

Dare to dream of lies or the truth,

Dream of never losing your youth.

Dream of battles, dream of a spark.

Dream of light, a light in the dark.

Dare to dream of fighting and sadness,

Dream of men, succumbed to madness.

Dream of warmth and heat and flame,

Dream that your life is just a game.

Dare to dream of hate and mistrust,

Dream of all that’s true and just.

Dream of drowning, drowning in the sea,

Dare to dream of dreaming, yes dare to dream with me.

Lexi Smith