One year later

Exactly one year ago, on Valentine’s day, I took the decision to divorce. I was angry, depressed, but determined. Almost paralyzed by a serious lumbago, stuck in bed for a week reading was my only occupation. My daughter had been offered the complete series of Twilight books for her birthday, being in a period of self-pitying, I left myself sink into the drama and came to realize that maybe I would never again be able to experience such intense feelings, which made me utterly depressed. Where had the love gone after such a long marriage? Was my life going to continue like this, in a routine from which feelings of love and belonging had disappeared, where we only stayed together because of the children? With a non existent sex life? With endless frustration and frequent arguments? I was slowly dying.

I took the decision to change things in a way that would make me take a different direction. Once my back stopped killing me, I started exercising again and watched my diet. In less than three months, the scale indicated a drastic weight loss and I slowly regained some self-confidence, feeling a lot sexier. Fortunately, in late March I was sent to Africa, where I worked for two full weeks, followed by another two weeks of holiday. At this point in my life, these are the only moments when I am really happy and completely myself.

My trip was wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to meet a friend I had not seen in three years and it was great. I felt appreciated and easygoing. What a booster for my ego.

When I came back, my husband must have felt a change, we made love for the first time in over two years. My friend kept writing to me and our messages became more and more intense. I was addicted to his mails, we also texted. I felt happy for the first time in years and more determined than ever to divorce. I went for some legal counseling. Things were not going to be simple, moneywise especially. I informed my husband of my intention to divorce. I took him completely by surprise, he felt hurt. However, the situation deteriorated again because of the fact that my husband had been jobless for well over three years - with no unemployment benefit whatsoever - and because of our financial situation. The result was that as long as my husband was dependent on me, and being absolutely worshipped by the children, I could not ask him to leave. This was in August.

I was sent to Africa again in September, very intense work; while there, took some time off again, wonderful! However, things deteriorated even more when I came back, moneywise. My friend stopped writing to me. His wife had read one of my texts and gave him hell. Depression caught up on me, that was when I started wondering about blogging. My husband had finally accepted the idea of divorcing, but with Christmas nearing, we decided to go on a truce. The three weeks I stayed at home were almost dreamlike - steaming sex, no arguments, more sex - and he found himself a job at the start of the new year, a short-term with the hope of signing a contract next June. Moneywise, things are still very difficult. We are completely broke.

Now, one year later, I feel we have become friends again, if not completely husband and wife - the love is definitely gone for me. We are still not divorced. He does not communicate much, but I have the feeling he is hoping that with a new job things will ease up, and we will stay together. We are like best friends in our good moments, we have brought up three wonderful children, but we have been hurting each other, the children have not seen me happy in a very long time. At worst, they cannot remember their mom as a happy person, what image do they have of me?

I am fed up with the waiting. I would like my life to move on. I can only hope that we will behave like responsible adults, stay friends and manage amicably.

I am determined to make it happen.