Blog Anniversary

Tom Chambers - Rites of Passage

It was my blog anniversary a few days ago, I almost missed it.  

One year ago, I was suffocating. Then there was the "Christmas truce" and my husband and I had a lot of sex, discovering some new things in the process.  But I knew I did not love him anymore.  He was jobless, I had problems sustaining the whole family, I was bitter and angry, but wanted to find a way out that would not harm everyone too much.  I then traveled to Asia, which was a good escape from the dreary daily life and also an opportunity for some introspection.  I was feeling strong and determined.   

When I came back things started to become tense again, my husband finally ended up in hospital, he had to admit he was in depression.  Our intention to divorce became official, it was a common decision and we made it clear that we did not want to hear any criticism from anyone.  Things became a little less tense, my husband moved to the basement.  I felt relieved.

He moved out in the fall after finding a long awaited job; I was surprised I did not feel anything at that time.  However, the children who are living with me, became extremely hostile and made me pay for what was happening.  The least I can say is that I was not expecting this painful backlash!  I suddenly felt terribly vulnerable, lonely and unloved, so unloved that I became depressed.  I was on the edge of the abyss, I could either let myself fall into this abyss and victimize, and this fall could be endless.  Realizing this, I decided it was not worth spending all this negative energy pitying myself, yet I had not that much energy left to move forward in a positive state of mind, and I am still struggling to get over this difficult pass.  I think the turn of season did not really help either.

However, in one year, I met several very nice people on-line, some of whom have become lovely friends, and I am very thankful for these friendships (Of course, you all know who you are :-)).  I also very unexpectedly met a very special person, who became a lover and a dear friend.  I cannot speak of him, his life is complicated and we don't know when we shall meet again, yet we both expect to stay in touch. This sexy young man took the trouble to reach out to me and persuade me to meet him in his country,  I cannot hide how terribly nervous I felt because of my shattered ego, nor can I say how thankful I am for all the wonderful moments we shared and for making me feel so special.   

It comforts me to know that I can seduce younger men and be appreciated by them. Yet, I have to admit that I don't know if I am ready now to meet someone here, locally.  I am scared to go on a dating site because I have never done it, and I am afraid of meeting loonies.  I'm a little old fashioned about this as I consider these dating sites as a kind of "meat market", it is very trivial, isn't it? I still need to work on myself and get my positive attitude back.  My husband and I also need to go through all the paper work with the lawyer, hoping to find a mutual agreement satisfactory to both parties.  And yes, we see each other at least once a week and manage to be good friends.  

My birthday is around the corner and I also feel how much I have aged physically in one year, agh!  Life is terrible, isn't it!  You fear not to be able to be sexy enough with your wobbly parts... but again it is all a question of attitude and state of mind.  For the time being, I still feel very vulnerable, but I know that in a few months' time, with the coming of spring, I will hopefully be my old sexy self again! 

It is a rite of passage, we all have to go through these difficult phases in our lives to progress and become wiser!